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It's an odd feeling... Right now, I feel like I'm swirling, spiriling downwards, into a black casem with no end in sight.

Self confidence; confidence in one's own abilities... That's what the dictionary says, in my book it means; a pillar of life that centers around the confidence of one's self. I am without that pillar, so I am without one of the 'pillars of life.'

I have a few pillars for my life, most of which I do not have. A list of these pillars are;
Love: A feeling of bondment between two individuals who want to be together.
Self-Confidence: The confidence of one's self.
Past: The road which one has traveled from that dictates the present and future.
Present: The time and area that one is in at the moment.
Future: The time and place one will be depending on one's past.
Friendship: A brotherly/sisterly feeling towards another.
Appearance: In line with self-confidence, the physical apperation of one's soul or feelings that can attract or repel others.
Abilities: The manifestation of something that one can do very well and is usually attractive in some form.
Respect: A feeling towards someone that shows you like them and are willing to listen and respond to them in a positive manner.
Etc....

I am currently without Love, Self-Confidence, a happy Past, attractive Appearance, Respect from others, and I'm without very good Abilities.

One of the things dragging me down is my past relationships. My first serious and still desperately wanted relationship was with M.E.A. (confidentiality purpose for the acronims) I was happy with her, we understand eachother and we both have feelings for eachother. However, she is uncapable of being with me, reguardless of what I try to do, I have to learn to accept the fact that it might never happen for us again...although that is a very difficult fact to accept.
Then there's the girl who first took my virginity, R.L-M.P. (again, confidentiality). She took the quiet and submissive boy I used to be and destroyed him, creating this dark, shaded and pained creature. She cheated on me and had sex with one of my (ex best) friends, and is currently dating him. I see them every day that I am at school, bringing up painful memories, and the feeling of betrayel and deceit.
Then, my third serious relationship with S.A.W. (Odd, her acronim is SAW, like the movie, anyway...) She is known as [moonlight-shadow] or Black Shadow Lucario on Gaia. When we first started dating, we were both cheating. However I came to my sense and quickly dumped the other girl for S. I had thought she would do the same for me and be with none but me, however within the course of 6 months, she cheated on me 5 times, with 3 different people. I had then-after tried giving her 3 more chances to make her-self up, she ruined all of them. However I still have a feeling that I want to be with her... Almost like needing to get off a drug and right now I'm in withdrawl.
These all center around probably the most important pillar in my life, Love. I am without this pillar, and feeling very depressed because so.

Then there's the concept of my Past. My past is filled with distressing and trying times. My father was disowned by his bio-father and got into some very bad things in his young life. He never knew how to be a father, so when he became one, it was not very good. In my memories I remember him constantly angry, constantly drinking, constantly sitting in front of the tv or working on his cars (I have recently learned that he worked on his cars to work out his stress). He has become better, but he often reverts to some of his old anger.
In one memory I had just become an older brother to my sister, I was 6. We were living in apartments and my mom was at work, I had a friend over and my dad was home. My sister had just pooped her diappers and I wanted to be a good brother and change her, but as soon as I got the diapper off, my friend and I had a laughing fit. My dad heard the laughing, ran into the room, thought we were playing with her private parts, picked me up and threw me against the wall.
In another memory I had done something wrong to piss my dad off, he took me behind the garage, shoved me against the wall and said, "If you screw up one more time, just one, we will come to fists, and I will knock you down."
As well as in my past I have not often been liked as a person. 3rd grade through the beginning of 6th I had no friends (except for 1 but he often made it worse more times then better). I have been used as a tool, and have willingly sacrificed my own happiness to help others and make them feel better, thus named a Guardian. I was often picked on and ridiculed as the person I was, until 9th grade when I was finally able to defend myself.

Another thing dragging me down is my Appearance. I'm told I look cute. I don't want cute because cute is childish and not attractive in the way I'd like to be. I look much younger than my actual age, and my body is pitiful. I am too skiny, stand at 5'8", weigh only 134 lbs, and have nearly no muscle definitions what-so-ever. What I want to look like is either Sexy, Handsome, or Charismatic. I would like to have stronger muscles instead of my weak and frail ones, as well as more definition to them. I would like to look a bit older and maybe an inch or so taller. That's not too big of a thing, but it is still enough to drag me down a bit further.

I am not respected by my peers, or family or friends. For years I dedicated my life to the betterment of other lives. I have learned many things about why things happen in society, and have learned how to apply these things to help people better their lives, yet I am still looked down on. People don't often take me seriously and doubt my slightly-above-average intelligence (I.q. of 112, average is 110, so very slightly above average).

My greatest fear, is being all alone in the dark, with everyone pointing and laughing at me, saying that I was stupid for ever believing that I was ever liked. Although at times I want to be alone, I never truely want to be alone. I'm hurt inside, and this all contributes to why I am. And as time goes on, nothing gets any better...only worse.

What am I to do?

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