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What would you do, if all of your current life was filled with nothing but pain that keeps mounting upon pain.

How can the past be forgoten when it's so wonderful? How can the present be happy when there's nothing good to be expected?

I love my past with my first love. I spent the time from my birthday party on Nov. 17th 2007 until March 1, 2008 to try and make M love me as much as I did her. However, all I did was end up putting her in difficult situations and making her feel bad. She finally decided to move on with her life, and leave her past, in the past, and expects that I can find happiness without her. In my present I have dated my ex Shadow 4 times, in the first relationship that lasted 6 months up until Thanksgiving of 07 she had cheated on me five times. I had very currently tried to give her one final shot to prove herself to me, but she couldn't keep a simple promise such as calling me before she left to some stupid all-night game.
My past with the first girl I gave my virginity to, R, destroyed the quiet and submissive boy that I used to be, and plunged me into being a louder, more defiant and selfdestructive person. She had had sex soon after our first time with one of my best friends at the time. That past haunts me, because I see them together at school every mon-fri, kissing and hugging and doing strange things.
I am currently failing 2 grades in what is now my Junior year of High School, and if I cannot get those grades up, I will not be able to pass High School on time. And if that happens, well, how am I supposed to ever get a good paying job, right?
Not to mention I love karate, and my Soke (Founder) has decided that he wants me to be an instructor soon, this coming Saterday. As soon as he finds out my grades then I will never be able to instruct, I will be humiliated in front of him, and I would have lost his trust. Which sucks because the classes I am failing I am already so far behind in that it seems impossible to catch up.
As well as my childhood through my 17th year of life has been filled with almost every night waking up to my parents fighting if my dad was home. There were times I'd pick up a weapon in my room and hide in a corner, afraid that my dad might come in and start beating on me. I once called the police on my dad because I was afraid that he would hurt my mom severely if it continued. There was also a time where my dad judged something too quickly, picked me up (Age 6) and threw me against the wall, leaving a dent where my head had hit. There were times were he would pick me up by the front of my shirt, hold me up against the wall and threaten that he'd beat me if I didn't straighten up. I'd fear his hands more than I would my mom's belt. There were times my parents would threaten to divorce, and times I still think they might. My childhood is filled with almost nothing but this, filling more of my past with nothing but pain upon pain.
Through all of school from 3rd grade until 6th, I had only 1 friend, who probably made things worse more often then helping. And from 3rd grade until 8th I was always known around the school as the one to pick on, the dork, the loser, the stupid-smart kid, the nieve idoit, etc. I have only recently been left alone in school society, and even still I get a few of the stupid remarks from immature idiots.
And one final thing; I am the kind of person that has recently been dubbed 'The Guardian.' It is an old class of people, but has finally been given a name. A Guardian is the kind of person that cares more for other's feelings more then their own. A Guardian is more likely to sacrifice their time and efforts to sit down with someone and help them through hard times, even if it means being selfdestructive. A Guardian will wear 'a mask' for most of their time in society, this mask hides their true emotions, such as hate, or pain. My mask was made specifically to hide those two emotions from those around me, so they do not have to suffer at my suffering. I would rather myself suffer then let others suffer, except in the case that I may die. With the way things are going now, I may have a premature death, either by mental breakdown followed by shutdown, by a mental breakdown followed by physical illness, or by suicide.
In the year 2007 because if a man speeding down our road, I lost someone who I considered a brother and a human. Jaeger Amell, lost his life right before my eyes. Jaeger was a beautiful, young German-Shepard who had more personality than some humans today. I felt close to him, and I saw his death. I hadn’t been able to cry as soon as he died, I needed to stay strong for the family, however I wasn’t even able to cry the next day. It took me a month later before I was finally able to cry.
I’m also physically unable to cry, not allowing me to let out my emotions, and I think it might be because of a curse I placed on myself in the sixth grade. One night, after hearing that one of my ex’s hadn’t loved me as I had thought for so long. I spent the whole night crying, and then I said something,
“I will turn my sadness into anger and my anger into strength.” I repeated it all night, and ever since I have only been able to cry about once every 4 months, and only for a minute. If I try to cry again, it just doesn’t come out.


What am I supposed to do? Just wait for the end while suffering? Commit suicide and hurt those that I leave behind? Continue to wait and see and hope that I might end up with amnesia? Suffer so long that I go insane and hurt those around me? What do I have to look forward to? A hard, lonely and bleak life, that's all I'm able to see right now. What am I supposed to do now?