I don't know if I'm hurting worse now, or when I was just waiting. It's hard to tell, because at least now my body is preserved while my mind continues to suffer. The body is something that will eventually be left behind, while the spirit continues to live on, that is what some believe. But what if there is no soul to carry on? What if it is so tarnished, torn and scarred that there is nothing left? I don't understand right now...I thought I knew alot about how the mind works, it seems I know next to nothing. I am unable to see how someone who has lied, cheated by having sex with someone else, hurt, and put down on Mary could continue to hold her heart where I cannot. How can someone like that possibly do better then what I did? Not trying to put myself on a high pedistal, but I have done so many things more properly...I was there for her when she asked of me, I helped her with things as best I could, I talked with her like a person, I have been dear friends with her family and treated them as my own, and I have loved her more deeply then anything else. My reason for living, my happiness and my soul. I don't understand how he could be better then me at holding her in such rapture as he does.
He made her sick, and while I was around she felt better...She was energetic and could hold down foods, that's gotta be saying something. However not loud enough, otherwise things would be different.
I am currently going out with someone I didn't want to, and one of the reasons I am is to preserve some of my sanity. Unfortunatly for me, I need to be held and loved otherwise I begin to go insane, and Sarah still wants to prove to me that she is capable of being good to me. As well as I feel so akward around her...Whenever I saw in the past that she said she loved someone else after we broke up, it always made me angry, for a reason I have still yet to figure out. However I know that all of that would become null and void, only if Mary would/could accept me. I have only done the best for her, tried my hardest at everything I did for her, and changed from being nothing a quiet and submissive shadow in the hope that she would one day be able to accept me again.
I have cried more often with her recently then I ever have with anyone else, and that may sound like a bad thing, but it's not to me. It shows that I can open up to her, that I don't have to hide anything, that I can be myself. I told her,
'If I ever get married to anyone but you, it will only be an illusion...' The same goes for my current relationship with Sarah. I am unable to give my heart to anyone, my body I can lend, but my heart...my broken heart... only she holds the pieces, and only she can put them together. She has the key while my heart is under lock, and while I may give the illusion that other keys exist, she holds the only true key... How will things turn out from here, what will change, if anything at all. For a while all I said was I wanted Mary's happiness... Unfortunatly I've become a little more selfish, and now I want her to be happy while being at my side...
If you do end up reading this, wether you accept my second message to read my private journal entry, then this is my thoughts and feelings, layed out in the open, no masks or illusions, and even if nothing changes, please don't ever just fade from my picture again, for that was too hard on me before. If you don't read this, then I suppose I wrote it just to get it off my chest and should stop talking to myself. cry
View User's Journal
The Dark Book of The Guradian of Guardians
An old, tattered, and ruined black book, golden writing decorates it's cover, do you dare open?
 |
Vext Hita_Fallen Angel
Community Member |
