Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

And this is what happens? I sit here and wait, having to rely on faulty "friends" who won't tell him if I'm online or not? I have to sit by idly, always wondering when will he even be on?

Maybe this is payback for eating up so much time talking to my boyfriend nearly four days ago, that his friend would do this-the friend who has everything stuff-wise that I could never dream to have. It's a guy thing, I know-but I can't help but feel suddenly possessive, angry, and greedy....

No, not for all the accumulated material things, but....for all that time that other guy can spend and has been so freely. Where he can have him over and my love can relax, swim in his outdoor pool, get on his recent MMO addiction Flyff, watch stupid yet hilarious Youtube videos...

It makes me even want to have anger management issues so that maybe I don't feel as much competition. I sat for two days in nearly complete blissful oblivion under (what has been pointed out as mentally scaring by one of my friends) delicate kisses. What can I say-I was turned into the hopeful romantic that I wished would have lasted for a bit longer than it did. And now, I have to compete with a guy my age simply because he has Flyff and can shelter him effectively from my boyfriend's family? Where he can furnish my kitty with all the video game distractions he could ever want?

I can't even be enough of an escape? I have nothing much left to offer except myself as a refuge. Maybe I'm feeling a bit unappreciated...? I am a delicate thing when I am completely exposed and needy, and if things aren't resolved within the next 24 hours, I might start folding my exposed feelings back where they belong-locked away and kept at a safe distance.

He can't even trust the guy and yet...he still goes there. I can't even fathom how his mind works, but I guess he is much more forgiving than he let on. Though, to extend that to those who are undeserving...know this well, however-I have been no saint. But in light of what has been for a few years, to what I know, I have not caused harm to his trust nearly as much as the other guy has.

Is that just because of the close proximity to his own house that my boyfriend goes there? He does have more there to entertain himself than he would have here, where the only meager things are my computer and myself. I am willing to be his friend has a better internet connection than me. All the worldly things money can buy....

And I don't even come close. I always heard him talk about all the stuff he did, always recently about Flyff. And I am nothing better because I'm not pixalated in real life? That I can't, for the life of me, somehow hold his attention for very long without him wanting to speak about an online game? The excuse can be made that he's studying because he wants to design games, however...

He may not mean to make me feel worse than a bunch of computer graphics, but that's what it's been inadvertently doing. The last time he was ever over, my computer was on and he went for it, trying to get Flyff on my computer for what seemed to be the millionth time and to get it to work. I couldn't have been more annoyed-but seeing him sitting there was enough to drive any bitter thoughts out of my mind.

Already the first signs of withdrawal are crossing my heart. I don't wish it, but the habit of preservation has made it so that I can defend myself before my own destructive thoughts cave in. I can only hope with fervor that he somehow finds a way around the world things that surround him with his friend and reach out to me before I close up again....

Oh please, let that not happen to me anymore, because I like not having to hide myself away from him in doubt...