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... that, and I had to watch my bf go into this weird, traumatizing headache attack thing....similar to what my dad went through when he was having his flashbacks from Vietnam. It's scared me so much today and I....I'm too scared to even be around him now because he screamed at me just like my dad did when it got really bad and the headaches were too much for him......
I...I really want to be with him, move in, etc but that....I couldn't handle the look on his face and the way he kept trying to push me away when I wanted to help him...it really tore me apart....
It's like I was completely useless and he accepted help from my friend more easily than for me...whatever his twisted sense of trying to protect me from himself doesn't work-my dad try to shield me too from himself and that didn't go over too well. It brought up bad memories and those headaches of his were a result of numerous concussions from football....
That whole thing though....I really don't even want to see him, speak to him, nothing. It scares me half to death to see him like that and the fact that this happens to him every so often...I don't think I could live with that, like when I had to be the only one there for my dad. It's this mental anguish that I could never cure my dad from that only scares me even more having to see the one I care about go through something similar. What good will any amount of caring do when someone's head explodes into pain like that? If neither me nor my mom could really help my dad, then what could I possibly do now for my bf? I don't know. The more I find out and adore him, the more things keep cropping up that make me want to run away from him because they call up memories that always confused me and hurt me when I was a child. I mean, I never really understood the pattern to my dad's flashbacks and they would be triggered sometimes out of the blue.
*sigh* And now, I've been crying so much again today and meh...I feel really and utterly hopeless.
Sorry to rant so long, but I wasn't feeling good either too much yesterday because I had a dream that his best friend hung himself and I got so freaked out. My dreams come true a majority of the time and I was able to save my mom from getting shot the last time I had dreams like that. Freaky, neh? So I have this dream and I get really worried. I go over to his best friend's house and though his younger brother answers and says that he's only sick nothing else is wrong, I know he's probably lying to me. I think my bf's friend actually tried to kill himself but was stopped...? I don't know....
And then my bf rides up on his bike and has that headache attack that scares me because he complained that his head hurts. Then was shaking, literally trembling uncontrollably from the pain. He had that distant look similar to the flashback look I caught in my dad's eyes and I was even more afraid. I started crying, which probably didn't make things better but really, it was like I was looking at my dad all over again and it just killed me because I knew I could do nothing for him. That's when he started screaming at me to go away, leave him alone, begging me to let him go home (which he never does) and all the rest....
I don't know, I'm just really scared now, even more so than I was before about him.
I...I really want to be with him, move in, etc but that....I couldn't handle the look on his face and the way he kept trying to push me away when I wanted to help him...it really tore me apart....
It's like I was completely useless and he accepted help from my friend more easily than for me...whatever his twisted sense of trying to protect me from himself doesn't work-my dad try to shield me too from himself and that didn't go over too well. It brought up bad memories and those headaches of his were a result of numerous concussions from football....
That whole thing though....I really don't even want to see him, speak to him, nothing. It scares me half to death to see him like that and the fact that this happens to him every so often...I don't think I could live with that, like when I had to be the only one there for my dad. It's this mental anguish that I could never cure my dad from that only scares me even more having to see the one I care about go through something similar. What good will any amount of caring do when someone's head explodes into pain like that? If neither me nor my mom could really help my dad, then what could I possibly do now for my bf? I don't know. The more I find out and adore him, the more things keep cropping up that make me want to run away from him because they call up memories that always confused me and hurt me when I was a child. I mean, I never really understood the pattern to my dad's flashbacks and they would be triggered sometimes out of the blue.
*sigh* And now, I've been crying so much again today and meh...I feel really and utterly hopeless.
Sorry to rant so long, but I wasn't feeling good either too much yesterday because I had a dream that his best friend hung himself and I got so freaked out. My dreams come true a majority of the time and I was able to save my mom from getting shot the last time I had dreams like that. Freaky, neh? So I have this dream and I get really worried. I go over to his best friend's house and though his younger brother answers and says that he's only sick nothing else is wrong, I know he's probably lying to me. I think my bf's friend actually tried to kill himself but was stopped...? I don't know....
And then my bf rides up on his bike and has that headache attack that scares me because he complained that his head hurts. Then was shaking, literally trembling uncontrollably from the pain. He had that distant look similar to the flashback look I caught in my dad's eyes and I was even more afraid. I started crying, which probably didn't make things better but really, it was like I was looking at my dad all over again and it just killed me because I knew I could do nothing for him. That's when he started screaming at me to go away, leave him alone, begging me to let him go home (which he never does) and all the rest....
I don't know, I'm just really scared now, even more so than I was before about him.
...from a post I made at 8:33 on June 30th, 2008.
I really do feel helpless. What more can you say? The before-shock foreboding depression, the dream, then that...I just can't take much more. I have never felt more alone and completely separate from him than I do now and I wish I never had to see that.
I'm not saying that I never got over the things that happened when I was small. It's just...I'm not too keen on reliving it in my future with someone else....
Meh, I don't know...maybe I'm just destined to be pushed and pushed until I can't handle it anymore...But I am almost to the breaking point. All I can practically say to keep myself sane is that I love him, I love him, like a little kid who says things to themselves to keep the monsters and shadows away.....
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