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So I feel like practicing writing and maybe just expressing some things I feel.

So lately I decided to move out of the city so that I force myself to be separated from all of the problems and anxieties I had there. It was all too easy to act stupid for the purpose of making money and friends. I like being fun at parties and raving, and I don't see that as the root of my problem, I just think that my benign demeanor lead to me helping everybody else more than I helped myself. Then the partying lifestyle served me as a justification for that demeanor. By being loved, liked, and associated with drugs, I was able to use my persona as a selling point because I could gain and keep people's trust. So, by moving drugs I could therefore make money from partying. This locked me into a lifestyle where I valued friends and partying as one and the same as having money and a place to live.

Similarly, as many ravers do, I opened my house and possessions up to the less fortunate among my friend group. I don't regret it at all, as I was acting benevolently for my friends who are homeless and at the same time, teaching by examples my belief in communism on the lower level. I believed in owning and sharing among a community, and this is a sentiment that many of my friends reciprocated. I would give them a place to stay when I could, food when they needed it, drugs, money for food or cover for a rave, etc.. And in return it became impossible for me to not have a place to stay or to go hungry. Friends of mine who literally might only have $9 to their name would buy me food or smoke me up. Giving and sharing on such a level made me feel great. Just as well, I cemented myself into social circles that always know where the drugs are, meaning it would be difficult to remove me from dealing since I know everybody.

Unfortunately, this is not the lifestyle I want to continue. I feel like I greatly disturbed my girlfriend or at least challenged her beliefs of me by telling her of my capers involving drug trade. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but the problem is real that when people associate you with drugs, they respect you less. They assume a lot of things about your character and personally that aren't necessarily true. It was my second job, my second income, and the hardest but most secure job I've ever had. No matter how bad politicians ******** up the economy, drugs will always be demanded and are traded untaxed and unregulated by the selfish bureaucracy that is our government.

To the point, I just feel like I've tried to be the best person I could be. I was giving a home to the homeless and food to the hungry. Some of these folks I've done it for were as young as 15 and abandoned by their neglectful parents, just floating about. The problem is, I needed to break out of a dishonest trade that cast a negative light on me, and the culture I was delved into could never help me with my alcoholism. Drug trade is a job I could show up to while intoxicated in just about every way, especially considering that's basically what a rave is. I know that it's best for me to keep myself in line and keep a job where the bar is raised much higher than that.

So, I moved out of the city with the focus on getting a job, and studying instead of drinking. As well, this allows me to answer "Sorry I'm out of the city" to every phone call I get. It's tough doing that when these are my friends who care about me, friends I'd like to get to know better, or folks who just want to hang out. It's also tough to ignore it knowing that most calls entail going to a party with free alcohol where people want to give me their money. But, I've moved on from these petty situations. Unfortunately, just after moving, my girlfriend started to ignore me. The first thing I did was get wasted out of my mind. It was quite a pathetic state to be in, as I know that what I did was run away from my problems just the same as she ran from me. So I haven't drank since (its been a few days), and I still don't know what to do about these emotions I'm feeling other than ride them out and let them pass.

I miss my girlfriend so much right now... I don't know what to do about this, other than have patience and accept that if she is going to handle her emotions by ignoring me, then maybe she is not emotionally healthy enough to maintain the kind of serious relationship I wish to have. I only see her as a beautiful person, and I love her dearly, but being hurt so badly by her is making want to understand this through the possibilities that there were great communication problems underlying everything.

In the aftermath, I'm still searching for a new job on my first week out of the city. I'm considering entering into an alcohol dependency program if I fall off track, but I'm not rushing into it because I want to focus on getting a job and my hours first. My goal is to get the money I'm owed (about $800) from folks, and earn about $1500 from working before the fall semester. There isn't a financial problem that I have that wouldn't be solved with about that much money since my living expenses are dramatically lower now that I'm avoiding drugs and parties. It's too bad that Skyler left me in such a time rather than being there for me when I need her most. I see challenges in a relationship as a valuable chance to gain more trust and faith in one another, not as a time to turn your back to the one you claim to "love."