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So, on the subject of life being crazy... I got off of my paxil two weeks ago, cold turkey without a doctor since I don't have one, and when I did have a psychiatrist his only solution to my prescription causing me trouble was to increase my dosage...

So, the effects have been maddening. Lately I've been so distraught that I've been avoiding my friends. I just can't handle any more stimulation than I already have. I'm sensitive to everything right now, so I can't really do any drug other than a tiny bit of paxil to ease the withdrawals and some Dramamine to take the edge off of the vertigo. I've had days where I'll sleep the majority of the 24 hour period, and if I don't sleep I'll become horribly sick.

I just feel like it's necessary for people to know how powerful anti-depressants are.

I'm so happy to be weaning my way off of these horrible drugs though. For the first time in months, since I started using SSRIs, I am free from my addiction to alcohol. And for those that don't know it, my use of cannabis was only to stave off my cravings for alcohol which were induced by the SSRI. On top of my newfound independence from drugs, I am able to finally feel emotions that I couldn't feel. I am reconnecting with a deeper feeling of passion and compassion. I feel really close to being able to cry again, which I haven't done since I got on Paxil... I can't wait, since I used to be a real crier, as a once a day kind of thing.

I feel really troubled though by the devastation that this whole debacle has caused. I'm just wondering how I am going to piece back together a healthy, happy, and positive life. There is a lot of garbage left in the world for me to sift through, and finally being able to not be a robot, I am seeing the world so much differently. We'll see, I think step one is just to remove negativity from my life. I have a pretty big void that I need to fill. My best friends are really a troubled bunch themselves, so I think I need to step away from getting my life too involved with things that I don't find positive. I don't want to keep my life anchored by negativity, so I'm looking to just change a lot about my life.

We'll have to see how it works out. I'm afraid I'm just maturing again... As if I grew out of the college party culture, and now that I have, I wonder why I ever took interest in it. Yeah, I have a lot more friends now, and I learned a lot about society, but an inebriated stupor is nothing I aspire to.