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How dare you try and tear me away! How dare you try to plant the seeds of doubt and distaste within me and turn my love into slow-turning disgust for my angel! How dare you treacherously try and poison my mind! I can only take so much and though I try to through myself up high and talk through the delusions, I'm breaking under the influence...

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Granted, although I saw my boyfriend today, it just...it sucked so bad, along with everything else my mother has said, it hasn't helped.

All he and his cousin did was play Guitar Hero, ITG (In the Groove.) and watched Chobits. But me being the smart, un-authoritarian that I am, said nothing. Not a word. I didn't ask him to get off the games or not sit and watch the anime-all I did was sit there in silence.

Even worse was the fact that his cousin has some slight issues in the humor department. It's a bit too crude for my liking-and what was worse, he went along with it. Apparently, calling me a f** and saying other stupid things doesn't seem to bother him the least bit. Okay, if I was a f**, I wouldn't be going out with a guy, right? Geez..and he tells me that I say hurtful things. If that's his idea of joking around, then I will have some serious issues.

And, no, don't even get me started in the whole "argument" that "oh, it was only joking around, blah, blah, blah..." Go shove that up you liberal behinds and suck it, because guess what? That's NOT the kind of thing you say to your girlfriend, especially if you claim to love her. So don't even approach me with that lame excuse.

I do not wish to be treated like last week's garbage! I do not want things thrown in my face by someone who is slightly hypocritical! Yes, everyone's a hypocrite and most teens swing towards the left wing, but for all that is sacred, don't try and give advice after you insult a person!

No, and to be attacked and having my faith in him get further thrown into the mud by my mother wasn't enough for this pathetically twisted day. And I wanted to so see Don't Mess With the Zohan tomorrow without being in a pissy mood...

Which reminds me...

If you you don't want people to do something you don't want done, shouldn't you set and example and not do it? I don't care who you think you are or what kind of twisted perception you have of yourself-you don't tell people not to do something in your house and then do that exact thing moments later. I get burned for having a pissy-no, it wasn't even a pissy attitude, it was a mock anger-by my boyfriend's cousin, but then they turn around moments later and deliver it!

Hypocrite much?

Never, never, never have I ever hated-wait, not hate so much as become sickened- being in his company as I was today. That was the worst feeling I had ever felt around him, aside form the times that I broke up with him (it's only been twice, thank goodness) My hurt only magnified when I remember what my mom had said-that I didn't feel anything, that I didn't care/shouldn't care.

If I don't feel anything, then why does this hurt so much? Tell me that. If I don't feel a thing, then why have I been crying inside, wanting to love but constantly restricted both from her and from-indirectly-the very person I do?

He tells me not to listen to what she's saying, but if I'm getting driven from his end into my mom's false comforts, where am I supposed to go after that? If who I love jokingly agrees with calling me names and telling me other crass things, what is left for me? Nothing but the degenerates of this world will be my comfort. That, above all, will be the most pathetic refuge I would have had to take since I don't know how long ago. I don't wish to be driven in the corner as I have been but...

*shakes head*

That he would dare to do that to my already fragile, slowly fading adore in him is deplorable, unheard of. When I have to go along with the status quo, least I get thrown out of the house for asking a little more respect than I was getting, then that's when I know somethings wrong. Between his cousin and the guy friend I still have problems with, I'd be hard pressed to say who I'd rather him hang out with. Since his cousin is, after all, his cousin, it should only be natural for him to take an affinity. (I dearly hope you note the sarcasm in that last sentence.)

What's wrong, he had asked me. What's wrong? What's wrong??

What was wrong was that everything was going down the drain for use. What was wrong was that he was taking a bit too much advice and calls from his cousin on our already crumbling relationship. It isn't even about other frustrations anymore. It's about how we can't even speak of our future together without getting mocked and scorned from the every parents who claim to love us (though, in his case, he knows for a fact that his dad hates him. Wonderful parent, neh?) It's about how I know, physically, on the outside, we are pressured not to be together and it is not a product of my mind that I don't think we can survive this much longer. It is by her external design that what we have could be forced into extinction by mere technicalities.

I had made my home, my refuge to be his heart. It's oddly comforting yet not so, that had he been like any other guy, he would have already gotten rid of me for the hot-cold, push-pull of my affections. For that-not being like any other-I am grateful.

However...

Today will mark the beginning of my fading, uncontrollably slipping love for him. It would have to take the greatest miracle my angel can come up with to bring me back to how I know I really feel and keep my there as strong as ever.

Keep me committed, keep me where I know I want to be, where I know I can thrive if only I was allowed. I can only hope that you can do that for me but don't keep me waiting...

Yet no, never dare to fall in line with words that are only meant to harm, no matter how jokingly you try and pull it off. No, never dare to do so again...