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It's not like I mean for this to happen, to feel a steady gulf between me and someone who I've sacrificed the most for.

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4 weeks.

4 weeks.

4 weeks since any meaningful exchange of words besides mundane musings, political rambles and general rambeles on my part, were uttered. 4 weeks of near-to-well friendness. I can't handle that. Not when my whole week was nothing but utter BS from day one.

And when he can sound so calm over the phone, when he can't even talk longer than two minutes...what does that ever accomplish? Nothing more, my friends, but more mundane chatter on top of it all. And "I love you"...what does that even mean for either of us anymore? I always question, always need to be reminded. That's in my nature. He loves that in me, but that will be both the greatest asset and the worst curse for him.

It is reminsecent of the book I read in my English class recently-The Children's Story.

The children are systematically being torn from the things, the symbols that made them individuals, that asserted identity and was rebuilt, through lies, to conform to a new type of thinking.

But instead of the New Teacher, my enemy-is my own mind. I don't need a person to brainwash me-I am my most effective brainwasher.

At any rate, is that really too much to ask? Get a better means of communicating, something, anything, than using a track phone that kills by the minute?All I can do is sit here and wonder, constantly on the verge of tears because in all honesty, the promise that he could always be there for me is but a half truth. Sitting here with crushing waves of dejectedness that I should, normally, not even be feeling. I like being taken care of, not half starved and out in the cold of my own doubting mind. To nurse my already gotten-over shattering of trust by him for the second time is not something I want to re-live. All I want is just to feel warm, safe...

All I feel lately is borderline between frined and playful boyfriend-nothing more and nothing less. I can't sense anything deeper from him anymore, unless I just haven't paid attention or my griping chased some of it away...

I need time, time alone with him to dig deep and re-learn what I know is laying their slowly starving in the corner. Not just that we are going out, but that we are one, we are lovers (but not in that overtly, gone-all-the-way obsene aspect). Just someone, give me the chance to hold his hand and be able to reach out just as I had done so, minus the child-like naivity.

Ofer me the nearly impossible yet within your realm of capability. Take me to a point where I can't even feel the very invisible trails that the winds leave behind. Be an escape from this world that has died in ways I didn't want to see. Remind me again and agian, so that, no matter how many times I were to die and never meet you again, that I would always remember....

Just let me drift away......