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Feelings...so hard to get trough them... |
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Lately I have been feeling.... BAD my life is a total bust and I feel like crap... I heart someone but....aww who gives a crap bout me? guess writing it down will help sad I met that person about 2 months ago, at first I was like =O ugleh, but then... I started to feel strange, I started to actually smile when that person looked towards me, SMILE, something I dont normaly do when I am in school. But...I dont know that person very well, and because of that I dont have the guts to go and speak with that person face to face... And now I have been living in that one person's shadow for so long that I think its starting to affect my social life, I dont feel good, I dont want to eat, I feel like I am nothing compared to that person and that I will never be as good as that person. Should we say love is something that hurts? or should we say its something that doesnt make any sense and that it always comes back at you like a lightning bullet striking you in the heart confused good question right? My friend kaguna knows about this and she is the one person I always talk to when I am feeling bad..but latetly I feel like its not enough...
Recently I have been training myself and torturing my body to make it look good... Im giving up on my first goals and making new ones...its a good thing you think? heh, well... Giving up your BIG dream for death isnt something I would call "a good thing" Never have I felt this desolated in my life, course, I never cry and I never will...why let unesserary feelings out? People say that you will feel better by letting all your emotions out...but doesnt it bring shame? I think I should never show my true self to the public, why? Because of what they could say! Feeling this way is very hard, and writing it down in my journal on gaia is making me feel even worst...why tell everyone the way I feel? for pity, for reassurance? no.... The reason why I am saying all this is to feel better, when I say it like this it takes a lot of the burden away... Still, wouldn't taking my life away be much easier than having to live trough all this? I often wonder why I take long walks to the place where that person lives, only to look at something I know I will never be able to obtain... why cant I obtain what I desire?
That one person hangs with people who would probably hate me, and also, some of the people who are with that person know things about me that would only make that person laugh. I am not enough, I will never be...I am someone who cant love. Im in that person's class, that person is behind me in diagonal to the right, what can I do? I only turn and look slightly towards something I know is impossible for me to obtain. I changed for that one person, but all I have done did nothing, I changed my appearance and the way I acted, I even started to change my tastes sad
why am I doing all this? Its worth nothing, I changed for the first time in my life...I did things I normaly would never do, I actually am trying to do something of my life...but my past that I am trying to bury catches up to me... is all I am doing futile? is all I want to be fiction or is it real? Is my life a joke or something that is serious?
I changed...became more mature...but in the process, all I have really done was making myself feel like crap, like I am nothing...Trying to achieve a goal...But hey, what can I do? I never have the guts to speak!...I did start minor conversations...but they never lasted even 10 seconds... I listened to my parents all my life...and I still havent begun my REAL adult life...Imagine, If I feel troubled like this for nothing, how will I be in the future? I want to become a party animal, I want to become more lively! heh, talk2hand Ive been trying to do so every time...but I never have any fun, my dad brainwashed me to think life is something you go trough and then its over...I never did anything that had meanning...all my friends did things when they were young...but I never did anything to have fun...and when I did, I always ended up being alone and always feeling bad. Why did I have to be brought to life? couldn't it have been someone else? why me? I ask myself many questions, but I never get a straight answer, that one person has many of the things I wish I had...many friends, a job, money and a good life...Is it because that person lost someone dear to them that this is what they get? A nice boost and a good life? Do I have to lose something in return to get something good? equivalente trade like full metal alchemist? Man, this is real life... And life sucks, I suck and all I have been doing is nothing...
What should I do next to actually be seen by that person, I wish I could hold that one person in my arms and hug tightly and never let go, I wish I could be that person's friend or even something more... If only I could have been somebody else...maybe I would have been able to meet that person sooner!! now I only have 2 years left in school...what do I do? summer break will come and I will not see that person for sooo long...to try and follow in that person's shadow or kill myself and be free...kill myself? why? I dont want to die and not be noticed...I just wish I could read that one person's mind and actually be able to know if that person CARES about me...BUT THAT PERSON NEVER SHOWS INTEREST IN WHAT I DO.... I torture myself thinking I have a chance, but I know deep in my heart...that my luck has run out.. sad
Im gonna stop..I could've continued...but that too has become useless
 Danole · Fri Nov 17, 2006 @ 09:41pm · 2 Comments |
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