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I thought everything was getting better. I was feeling so well. I was happy.
Right now, I feel like crap, I'm only a body with an empty void inside of it. There's nothing I can accomplish right now. I'm about to give up on living, but I'm doing my best to hold on because I always loved living. I've been a cheerfull person for the past months, and last time I posted something in my journal, I was a 'Reborn Man'. Was that only an illusion? My birthday just passed, I'm one year older now, meaning I just accomplished another year of torment.
I've been denied my love so many times, I may be acting like a stupid emotional person who has feelings controlling his life.. But hell, I know how much this hurts, and how much things get worst everyday. I dont want anyone, to suffer as much as I am suffering now. I feel like I am slipping away everytime I wake up. I let someone, who I didn't know, tell me I was a jackass, that I was nothing and that I should suicide. And when I got told that, a friend was there, and turns out...well hell I'm cutting on the descriptions. The person who told me to suicide was a girl, and she is my friend's girlfriend. They're love is over internet and they have never seen eachother irl. He was there when she told me to go suicide. He told me I loved life too much for that, but when she told him to stop trying to help me because I was worthless...He listened to her, now that made everything in my world crash. How could one of my good friend, leave me there like that.. I cried of course, I'm a wuss when it comes to emotions. I even went and tried to kill myself, but I couldn't I was too scared. Instead I cried and called my friends, I am still living with this pain.
My friend who I was relying on got a job, and now I'm alone. I'm a stupid guy who doesn't have the will to try and work anymore, I had a job, I left it because I couldn't do work and school at the same time, but my friend can.. Meaning I'm petty much useless. I love him, he knows. Isn't that painfull? Loving someone and not being loved back? He cares for me, he tries to help me. But I'm slipping, I know I shouldn't rely on people all the time, I always try to do things on my own, but this time I cant anymore.
I pain had a color, my pain would be black. Because it's nothing. People laugh at it saying Im overreacting, you know... If it really was nothing, would I be writing this to make sure that if something happens, then there will be a piece of how I felt left? Not in my opinion. I complain a lot. I must be someone who is annoying after awhile. I miss the person I love, he doesn't miss me at all. I want to be someone again, I am someone, people know me. But I... dont feel it. Turns out, coming out of my friend's girlfriend, my heart is cold, and I dont have feelings. That I am a crazy fellow. Maybe she is right, maybe she is wrong. But hell, I sure do know that I am not crazy.
Someone who is crazy = Someone who goes up on the road and hits old ladies, burns their friends after killing them.
That's my definition of crazy, probably a stupid definition.
Gonna stop it here, tired, going to write a message to the one I love. A message wich he wont ever read. He helps me, but doesn't love me. I should accept it, but instead, Im killing myself with it. I love him. That's all there is to it.
 Danole · Sat Jan 24, 2009 @ 09:55am · 0 Comments |
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