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If i look back one year ago, just one year..how strange.
I'm listening to songs that make me feel like fall and in love and cold and scarves and life seemed like it was wonderful and stressful then, but truly, it was just wonderful. And i wished i would have had more moments where i just stopped and said "wow, this is beautiful."
I know i appreciated it then, it wasn't as if i just let it all blow past me, it was just, it was so so wonderful, and i wish i had a photographic memory or i wrote every detailed bit of information i could. So i could relive it a little.
In september last year Ethan sent me the song All My Friends. And when i first listened to it, i thought This is very different from what I usually listen to. And then i thought I will learn this song so I can have an excuse to be around him. And also i thought these lyrics seem very powerful, but they don't Mean something to me yet.
and they meant something to him, which he told me
but when I listen to it now, tonight. They do mean something. and in one year something like that can change.
Last night when I was walking home from musical I was listening to New York I love you, But You're Bringing Me Down. Which is a great song to listen to on a fall night where everythings quiet, and you feel alone and the things you loved seem slightly off.
The most terrifying thing is when i realize I can't relive things that I loved so much.
I won't have simple things like sonic runs
driving everyone to the grocery store with only half an hour for lunch and buying pastries to give to other humans
Sitting in a circle on November 11, 2011, and directing everyone in my own personal art of wishing. I gave everyone a penny and we watched all of our clocks for 11:11. Everyone completely went along with it, and we sat in silence for a minute wishing as hard as we could for everything we could think of. Wished on those pennies, and then I threw my penny in a wishing fountain.
Ethan drove me to the fountain. I remember.
I told him how I wished today. And he asked what I wished for, but I told him it's against the rules to tell someone. But right now, really, i'm not telling anyone. I'm just writing things down.
One of the big wishes was to be as happy as I used to be. And I don't want to be looking for happy in the future, To quote Alaska, "imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia" and i'd really like to live for now. And I am happy, i really am, most of the time. It's just, i Miss what i had. And I thought this was what I wanted. this is what I looked forward to for so long, and it is nice, it really is. and there are days when i realize This is what I was waiting for, and it was worth it.
but in all of that waiting, i lost those days back then that i should have appreciated
and so i'm afraid that in my current waiting for happiness, i'm missing the right now that i should appreciate. and maybe a year from now i'll go That was a great time in my life. Why didn't i care about that more? but the thing is, i won't know now.
theres just some things i miss.
I miss the innocence. but also, it's not something i can go back to. or even necessarily want to.
Things were different then. But they were nice. they surely were.
I should be sensible. I should continue writing my essay for a class I don't care about. I should find some motivation. I will regret this tomorrow when I'm so tired but don't have time for sleep until after school. But I already know this. I already know I will be tired. And really, if i stay awake another hour and a half or so, ethan will be home.
But then i'll probably procrastinate more, once he's here.
Really, sleep sounds nice...what if i just took a nap for awhile. and then he could wake me up...(guilt guilt guilt. i'm a rotten person to wake up and i know it. but that doesn't stop my sleep-self from whining)
I will most likely stay up. It's what I should do. I should just stay awake and Do this.
We'll see.