It's funny to look back at how things have changed since I was 13/14.
When I was around those ages, I was nothing but a shy little girl. I adored anime, I went through my first two accounts on Gaia as a Naruto fan. Yes, I was one of THEM. But I quickly moved on to the Pokémon fandom.
I first came onto this account when I was known as iAsh Chuu.
I didn't cosplay Ash Ketchum at first, but surely enough, that came along. I made tons of friends, and had gotten alot of respect from other cosplayers for my portrayal.
Needless to say, it made me feel special.
I was being bullied severely still at the time outside of the Gaia Online world. Not many people liked me because I was different from them.
I thought being different was awesome, but it killed me inside too.
Soon enough, I craved the attention online too.
Dealing with my gender confusion, my cosplay and even my characters became an outlet. iAshy-boi also inspired my RPC, Ashtyn 'Ashy' Lamoré, a small confused and gay teenage boy. He was who I especially let my confusion out on.
By being Ashy, I was being who I felt like.
I enjoyed being called Ashtyn by my friends! But they all knew I was biologically a girl...and it took me so long to realize that I wasn't that.
I annoyed so many people because my identity yo-yod constantly. Some days, I was a lesbian. Others, a girl, transgender boy, genderquuer, even a two spirit.
I kept denying that I was transgender though.
I remember it felt so right saying it, but I got judged alot for it.
To get away from that judgement, I would claim different things and stories.
I lied in order to protect myself from being bullied again.
Of course, I know now that lying about serious things are never right.
Some of those lies?
exclaim Claimed to be raped by a friend for lying about my gender
exclaim That I got my name legally changed
exclaim Everybody knew what I was, even if I didn't know
yeaaah. Those were tough times. But I got past that.
In Mid 2010, I finally accepted that It wasn't my sexuality I felt ******** me up. It was my gender and that I was correct from the beginning to think something was wrong with me. My body doesn't fit my soul.
So, as of Early 2011, I began my permanent transition at 16 years old.
I have a binder.
I outed myself to my sister, mother, relatives and various friends.
I have came to realize that while I thought I was bisexual, I'm open to all genders and people of all kinds, but I'm more attracted to men and other transgender boys.
I stopped lying and denying things.
I have a boyfriend who fully supports me and I support him as well, seeing that we're both transgender.
I have three, lovely role models to help me out. They are Teddy, Dan and Gavin.
Three fellow transgender boys. Two on hormones and one who is not, but all three have helped me so much so far.
 Malevolent Glare · Thu Mar 10, 2011 @ 12:42am · 0 Comments |
