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I'm working on getting better.
Lately, I've been depressed and sleeping way too much. I have no motivation whatsoever and I'm always feeling guilty. I act out easily, cry too much and I'm not able to help myself.
Recently, I had a dream.
I was sitting in the corner of a dark room. I found a razor-blade and proceeded to slit the insides of both of my arms. The pain, the adrenaline rush..the glorious red bubbling liquid. I felt it so clearly.
But then a light suddenly came in the room. I was feeling so weak already and tears stung my eyes, but I heard a voice telling me, "It's time to stop. You need to get up. I know you hurt so much, and how much you feel like a freak to everyone around you. I know the stress of trying to be what you're not is killing you from the inside out. It needs to end, Casey. You have a reason. You have to find it, because no one else can."
I remember sobbing loudly as the voice and light faded away. I was bleeding heavily, but I got up anyway and tried to catch up to the light. But what I didn't notice was that all along, a group of the closest people in my life had been behind me, in the dark corner with me. I didn't notice until I turned around.
And there was everyone. Aaron, Beky, Brennan, Jesaja, Leslie, Robert, Tia, Brenna, Cathy, Caitlin, Daria, Tristan, Curstan, Kirsten, Andrea, Allen, Rachelle...Everyone. Gaia Online friends, school friends, long gone friends. They were all there the whole time. And I didn't even notice that they were the hands I felt hugging me and leaning against me the minute that razor-blade was pressed to me.
They were all there. Sharing my pain, but yet...not giving up on me...like so many had before. They were there despite all of their own individual problems with illness, depression, abuse, family issues, promiscuity and pressure...
They didn't leave.
 Malevolent Glare · Sun Nov 21, 2010 @ 02:46am · 0 Comments |
