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I don't know what it is but today after spending the day with some family I haven't seen in almost 3 years... I'm very emotional... its kind of up and down feeling like I'm really sad one moment and the other I'm really happy... everything thats going on is sending me off in a different direction right now and I don't know where to turn or what to do... sometimes it makes me wonder what would have happened had I died so long ago... wow... thinking about it its been 7 years since I was pronounced dead on the operating table... and somehow while I was in ICU on life support I sprung back to life... that whole day is nothing but a blur to me I remember nothing... what would the world be like had I died when I was 16... where would my family have been today... this is only a grain to the entire salt lick of whats been running through my mind lately... and to be honest its slowly tearing me apart and I don't even know why.
I really question my purpose as to why I am here on this earth sometimes... Yes I'm a good listener... and I'm glad that my input has helped so many friends of mine... but on the other hand... I have a black cloud that follows me around preventing me from bettering myself... and it truly kills me... each day I feel as if another part of me has died for no reason...
Anyways I think I'll stop writing because I want to cry all over again thinking about whats going through my mind...
Just a side note... I wonder what my life would be like now had my grandfather lived after his heart attack when I was 14... knowing that he was going to die he told me I couldn't help him... after so many years of helping him since I was a kid... he told me I couldn't go with him that day... and right then and there when he left the door I started crying knowing what was going to happen...
F*** It.... the end...