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Everything sucks right now. I'm so miserably depressed it's not even funny. I keep trying to bring myself up but I just can't. I can't even get excited about school any more. I'm so hung up on Taylor. And every night I have these stupid dreams about him. Last night in my dream he sent me a 6 page letter. At one part he said I miss you and I love you. He also gave me his watch to remember him by. It sucks. I would give anything for things to work with us. He doesn't talk to me the way he used to. He shortens his texts and repeats himself like he just doesn't care. I think that's what hurts the most. Because I want to just talk to him even if it's just on a friend basis. But even though it was his idea, he doesn't seem to want to do the same.
I can't gain any weight either. I'd originally lost 10lbs after my surgery, but now I'm almost down to 100. I went to try on my dress for Sissy's wedding and it almost fell right off of me. It looked so bad on me. Now I have to wait until two days before the wedding to fix it. I have to see if I can gain the weight I lost while I'm in Georgia or she'll have to take the dress in. It just sucks. And no one understands how depressed I am about losing all this weight. I feel like an anorexic even though I AM eating. I just can't gain any weight. Instead I keep losing it. Which makes me more depressed.
I'm so lonely too. While everyones at school or working, I'm stuck at home by myself to just lay around and watch movies and sleep. I finished my Sailor Moon yesterday and my Harvest Moon isn't scheduled to arrive until tomorrow. So I'm stuck with a day with nothing to do. Other people keep saying that they're lonely and bored, but honestly they dont even know the meaning of that. At least they can leave the house. The volvo is breaking down - blue smoke shoots out of the engine when it's driven so we have to get it checked out. But until then Marm gets my car and Dad get the grandpa car. Nick has the truck so even if I did drive a stick I couldn't take it.
I am literally stranded in my own house. The only company I get are my animals and my family when 5 o'clock rolls around. It's miserably lonesome here. I'm trying to get myself excited for the weekend. What with the Japanese Festival on Saturday and then a movie with my and Emily on Sunday and then Monday is Tim's b-day. But I just can't seem to get excited for it. I'm still miserable. And then Tuesday is a possible poker night with the guys - I wanna go one last time. And Wednesday I may be going to Jon's to play the new Soul Caliber. But again I just can't get excited. All I want to do is just crawl into a hole and never come out.
But I can't tell anyone any of this because I don't want them to worry! And I'd feel like a burder because everyone else just seems so happy now. It's like why can't I be that happy. I'm leaving in 9 days so why can't I be happy or excited. It sucks so much feeling like this. And I hate it so much, but I can't pick myself up. I thought I could. I was doing okay before, but now I've just shot back down to the ground. And I know that no one will see this journal because no one reads my gaia journal. So that's why I feel safe posting it in here. i needed to get all this out. And this way no one has to read it or be bothered by it. But this way it helps me to get it off of my chest.
I just don't know what to do with myself any more. I just wish I could stay here and make everything go back to the way they were at the beginning of the summer. I don't mind growing up and I don't mind change. I just don't like how things are playing out right now. It's just not fair...