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Okay, if I somehow really screwed myself over somehow, will someone kindly let me know where and how badly??

For someone who I let myself care about to say what he just said to me over Gaia of all things...When did things get so out of control? I could entertain the idea that maybe his friend could be hacking into his account, but that would only be me trying to fool myself. In the end, it could be no one but him.

A bed of thorns-that's what I have made and laid down in.

I can't...How can he expect this to go on? I...where is my sense of direction, my peace of mind? I have no refuge, nothing to rely on.

I must have been doomed form the start-doomed to ruin myself and anything good that I had ever wished for. I have nothing left to do, nothing more to say. It might have been destined to be over before it began...

Perhaps I should have loved the safe feelings, the naive, no worries...cherished what little heaven I had. 1 year and a half of caring, of making me feel appreciated.(Even though, I myself, sometimes thought I wasn't...) Maybe I have no choice but to walk away, even it may make me miserable for the rest of my life. I guess I have to love something that will love yet destroy me back just to survive, to have my muse singing softly in the background.

Must I suffer to keep my writing talents, my poetry, my way of letting things flow? Must I be always on edge, in fear, feeling decrepit, just for my artwork, normal and morbid, to thrive into something terrible yet successfully beautiful?

If I were to write a poem/song now...it would only rip me apart more.

Their are billions of people in the world, but I can't have any other. It's a bind that these thorns have wrapped me in-they love me yet hurt me. Thorns on roses...they are a symbol of love, but it is always the thorns that get stripped away, so that they do not p***k the fingers of the receiver. It in and of itself is the cruelest deception-that your love can't bear to injure, that you must weed it out, tear it away and hide it to make it more appealing. No romance wants the pricks, the bleeding, the pain, the scars...

It all has to be hidden away, so that they never see how true love is.

If this is what it is, then I hope no one else has to have someone do this. He was always giving me roses with their thorns cut away...

I would have rather have the thorns there, to remind me he can't fully love without hurting me in some way, that love isn't perfect. I am the animal that's been burned and wounded too many times. I'm the one who's cried and cried all over someone who can't possibly care anymore. I have sacrificed time with other people to be with him (though it never really interfered with them in the first place, so...yeah)

I fear it's more than a break...it's the end of the only thing I staked my heart and soul on. It may be the last thing I may ever care about in this world.

A bed of pretty thorns...

If it were really symbolic of love, then why must they take a rose's thorns away? Love must be kept intact-even it's ugly, dangerous sides of it (turning into obsessions and possesiveness)

Maybe that , my obsessive, scarred little child clinging, is what is destroying me-destroying us both. It's nearly too late now. Maybe when I wasn't feeling loved for nearly 6-8 months should had been fixed sooner...

All these should have been and could have beens...I don't think...I can make them happen any longer. Maybe there is such a thing as something too perfect that should never be allowed to happen.

I feel as if this has happened before, in a time that is not this one.Like it has happened multiple times before. But for all my de ja vu moments, I can never remember how to not get myself in this position. I should have kept to my virtues of no love, no boyfriends, no anything that could jeopardized my already fearful, doubting heart. I should have protected it better, should have realized what I was laying down in before I stayed so long I am rooted deeply in it.

Do I regret? I don't know. Will I regret leaving? Yes. Will I regret it if I stay? I know I can't be the one to answer that.

I can barely type now from having to hold back my tears...so that will be enough for tonight. I just want to wake up tomorrow and find out this was all just a bad dream that never happened but I fear that I know deep down that this is no dream I will wake up from.

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I have my sudden suspicion with that PM....it doesn't sound like him at all and it makes me wonder...he must have had someone hack into the account because I realized that the time the PM sent was around the time I was actually in front of him talking to himj in person. There seems to be something else going on here that is maliciously trying to tear us apart and I want answers...