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Good evening Gaia.... It seems like everytime I resort to this journal, I never really have good news. I don't know why I keep coming back to this journal, no one reads it, and I never submit consistently to it.... But yet it helps me get my thoughts in order, helps me put my mind down and leaves me with an accomplished feeling in the end.... So I guess for the time being I'll continue running to this electronic hideaway whenever my life takes a step for the worst.

I've stated it time, and time again.... Here in this journal, to other people, in fictional writings I've worked on, and here I am saying it again with a new deapth, one I never thought would hit me. People are nothing but masks, actors, beings that'll show up and say one thing, preach one thing, and then turn around and act against their own morals, their own 'views'. The world is nothing more then one big play, and we are the actors. As I say that I see a whole new view to this, a more.... Greek view... yes this is just like an old fashioned play, a tragedy at that. Just like the old tragedies there will be heroes, heroes that go against what the general populous thinks, heroes that hold their inner values above everything else, and will die.... All the worlds heroes will die, because that is the only thing that will get the genearl populouses attention.... Like the monk who layed down in the middle of the streets and caught himself on fire, burning himself alive and never moving from his spot just to get the public's attention. The living can do nothing, because this world DOES NOT CARE! This world is out for numbers, cash, popularity, how many friends can you get, how many buildings do you own? How much booze can you drink? How many girls have you slept with? No one gives a ******** about morals anymore, and the one's who do are considered taboo, freaks, outcasts.

But what motivation is there for heroes then? Knowing they will go through life friendlist, for those that call them friend will grow jelous and try to ruin what happiness they have. Or simply grow to hate them. Why do people continue to fight 'the good fight' When in reality no one gives a damn about the good fight? This is America people! Where we can say one thing, and do the opposite! GOD FRICKING BLESS THE USA! If anyone's reading this, then I beg you, prove me wrong. I keep telling myself the world isn't some black plague ridden rock.... But the number of people out there who truely give a damn.... dwindles to those who would rob you blind..... I want a world where little kids can play in the streets.... Where young girls can walk though their town late at night.... Where guys can hang out with one another without feeling the need to puff out their chest..... Where people where drop whatever they're doing to run to anothers aid.... But as mundane as that sound, it's starting to look like paradise, and this world is far from it.

Now I know what you guys are thinking, what the hell happened that'd make me this pissed off.... it's not really any one thing, but a number of things... Most of them performed by people that I've considereded my 'friends' for the past four years plus. One by one my friends.... People that have always prided themself because we fight the 'good fight'.... they have taken turns stabbing me in the back.... The first was my idol, a man I wanted to grow up to be like, religiously, physically, morally.... Brian Burnham... A man the entire school/church/anyone that meets the man drools over. Him and another one of my friends broke up, after moving to PA. And well, I tried, seriously tried, but I couldn't get ahold of him.... No one gave me their apartment number, he didn't have a cell phone, and it just seemed childish going through his parents to make sure he was ok.... So after spending a few weeks trying to get ahold of him I just gave up... I figured he'd call me..... and call me he did. He showed up at my house one day, flustered as hell and said we NEEDED to leave, now.... I was out of that house in a matter of seconds, planning on going to go do god only knows what because BRIAN BURNHAM, a physical and mentle tank had a problem HE couldn't handle. So we drive around for a little bit, and end up behind some abandoned school.... He parks his car and starts talking about the 'worlds sins', and going all 'dark side' on me, saying stuff like we all deserve to die, and all kinds of bull s**t that he'd never say. He then gets out some metal pipe (I'm carrying a wooden staff), and then starts trying to back me into a corner, saying I am a horrid friend for not making sure he was ok, for coming to his aid even though there was no possible way of doing so. Anyways after he starts attacking me I finally lose it. I shattered his metal pipe with my stupid stick and start attacking him, crying my eyes out and bawling like some baby because this was not the man I idolized, and I was not going to sit back and let him assualt everything I ever stood up for.... After a few seconds he tossing his pipe to the side.... and hugs me.... hugs me and then takes me out to the hot dog shop, acting as if it never happened. After an hour of wtf? I found out he planned the whole thing to 'teach me a lesson'. You can bet I was pissed, I called my best friend up and told him that Brian planned on doing something similar to him, 'cause aperently we both needed to be taught lessons, and he was pissed as well. We both made plans to get back at him, tortching his car and a ton of s**t, none of which we ever acted on. But months later Brian finally calls me and apolagizes.... but needless to say I've already been shown he's not the idol I once thought he was.... HIs nice little lesson taught me just who my friends were.

So then life goes on, and another 'friend' of mine decides to step into the center ring... This woman who I've trusted with my life for the past three years come's out and says she's been acting like my friend for all this time, that she thinks I'm a horrid person, hypocrit, and have no morals.... That about sums it up, There was really no big scene with this one, but I just kinda shrugged her off, and left the lunchtable she was sitting at. Me and my girlfriend Andrea went and sat by ourself for awhile, until she wandered over to our table.... where she now sits regularly.... Once again I call up my best friend Shawn, and we b***h about it and neither of us want anything to do with her now.

Once again life goes on and another friend takes the spotlight. This one started out small and got bigger... My best 'friend' Shawn had grown distant over a few weeks, not having time to chat on the phone, or hang out. He kept saying he was working, which having taken up a second job I could buy that. But then one night I get a text message about him and his girlfriend braking up. I spoke to him for a little bit, but he seemed like he didn't really want to talk about it, so I didn't press to hard. The next day I started talking to his ex, making sure she was ok and all that. But she was a mess.... and I soon found out why... she forwarded me the texts he sent her, in which he really did not seem himself.... This chivilry based man went off on her, and called her every dirty name in the book, taking every emotional stab he could.... I've known this man close to my entire life and I've never heard him talk like this. so finally I sent him a text, saying that he was acting like a different person and basicly wanting to know what was wrong..... he then goes 'dark side' on me, saying he was done living his life for everyone else and that he was concerned with three things now, money, women, fun.... me and him fought for a little bit, and then I backed off, I could tell there was no getting through to him, and all trying was going to do was piss him off even more.... So I sat back and started talking to a few of his friends, being a shoulder for his ex to cry on, and continueing to help her and convince her that wasn't shawn talking.... She was crushed, still is, despite what he did and said to her she still loves him.... So after awhile I had no luck with his friends, or any other approach.... So I try talking to him again, to get laughed at. He told me not to worry about it, that the entire thing was a 'test of our friendship' One that I failed. He used everything I ever told him as a joke against me. So we fought for a bit, in which he told me I was a horrid person and all, a hypocrit, and a 'weight holding him down.' Another idol down the drain, another reality shattered.

The next incadent is a smaller one, but one that got to me none the less... As you know from reading the last section I started hanging out with Shawn's ex, giving her someone to reflect off of, and basicly just being there for her. We started talking on a friend basis, and well one day her mom got ahold of her phone and saw that I had been texting her.... So this woman who's never met, or even seen me accuses me of cheating on my girlfriend of three years, and using her daughter.... Yeah small I know, but sent me through a nice little trip.

So anyways life goes on... I wake up today thinking yay, new week equals a fresh start right? Wrong.... I wake up today and go to school like a normal day, still all depressed about the fight with Shawn, but having a normal day none the less. But at the end of the day, as I'm heading out the door and getting ready to go chill after school, I notice my girlfriend heading down the hall in tears.... So I grab my s**t and go chassing after her... We get to the car and the tears really starts. Turns out someone went to the teachers saying that I beat and abuse her.... Better yet we find out that whoe ver did this is one of our 'friends'. So they went to a teacher, spread a number of nasty lies about us. The teacher went to guidance.... and guidance went to her parents.... and now everythings a big mess.... Well I could probably go on about this, but I'm tired.... and tired of talking about this....