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hello gaia, it's been awhile sense I last wrote a journal entry, alot longer then I like. But I have alot on my mind tonight, and I'm going to try and talk about it witout falling asleep on my keyboard at one in the morning. First off, I have a new rant about the whole bdsm lifestyle. The problem I'm having with being a master, is setting lines. Most masters within this lifestyle see themselves as better then their slaves, Most, not all, but I don't. And yet I still want to live this lifestyle. She's said that like other servants she wants to have punishments as well, punishments that are actual punishments and are not pleasurable. She wants to be let known when she upsets me and I get angry with her.The problem that I'm having is that there's very little she does that makes me angry, upset yes, annoyed yes, but I don't think she's done anything that's gotten me angry.

Either way after reading through the chained and tamed guild I've come to realize just what punishment is. Punishment is purely something that the sub will NOT enjoy. It has varied from waxplay, to simply paddling and sending to a corner (Yes, despite how it sounds a master who I've come to respect actually posted that so no laughing). So, I need to figure out just what she doesn't like... So far I've found out that wax play is something she doesn't really enjoy, but then again she has appeared not to like alot of things. I don't think finding a punishment will be hard, the world of bdsm is huge and there's tons of stuff I haven't tried. But it's what to punish that's bothering me. Often she will come up with stuff to confess to me, small things that she says she's done and needs to be 'punished' for, but I know when she confesses these things that she's just looking to play, that she's looking for a 'punishment' that provides more pleasure then anything.

According to her, she should receive punishment for displeasing her master. But at what level of displeasure should I punish? I mean I get annoyed when she shuffles her feet as she walks, when she lets her underware droop out of her pants, hell alot of just stupid stuff. But she's never actually gotten me fired up and angry. So the question I'm searching for now is what do I punish for? What deserves punishment and what gets told hey quit doing that?

Well, if anyone's actually reading this they're probably wondering what got me started on this. Well, the past week I've had a small problem. We've been on Christmass brake and me and my sub spend nearly every moment together. It's practicly planed that we stick with each other. One day she hinted to me that we might do something later that night. Nothing extravagent or naughty, just that she wanted to do something if she could get free. So I told her to call me when she found out. Well, seeing as we were probably going to go do something I put off hanging out with my best friend who called and wanted to go out. Later that night I finally called her at about 7, turns out her and her cousin went out. Ok, I wasted a day sitting around on my computer being bored out of my mind waiting for her to call, but oh well I got over it. A few days later we had a similar incadent. Earlier in the day she talked about doing something that night, she had some things she had to do during the day but she wanted to go out when she was done. So ok, my best friend called and wanted to go hang out so I though ok, she's out with her friends for a bit, I'll go hang out with mine for a few hours and I'll hang out with her later that night. Well me and my friend go out to the mall and we're hanging out, on our way out we run into my sub and her friends, we chat for a bit and well, the friends she was with weren't really my crowd, they looked busy, so I told them I wouldn't hold them up and told my sub to call me when they were done. About seven I head back to my place, my friend wanted me to go over his apartment and stay the night there with him but I told him I already had plans perhaps another time. Then I went home and waited for that call..... Which never came until about ten, ten thirty to tell me good night and all that. After talking on the phone for a bit I sent her a text message saying that I was a bit peeved, and that if she didn't start calling and letting me knowwhat was going on I was going to become one of those masters who require their sub to tell them what they're doing throughout the day and call and check up on them more often and all that stuff. Then trouble set in >.< She spent nearly an hour texting me saying how sorry she was and how she betrayed my trust and had sooo much work to do to get that trust back and how she should be punished and all this other stuff. I finally got a text to go through during her barrage, saying that it was no big deal, it was misscomunication on both ends, she didn't think that I was going to blow off making plans because she said there was a possibility of us doing something, and I assumed that we were still going to do stuff after she was done with her friends. She continued to send me sorry's and all that stuff so I sent her another text telling her to drop it, that it wasn't a big deal and she wasn't even being punished for it, that I said I was only going to do that IF it happens again, and that even then it wasn't a punishment it was so that I don't waste time sitting around waiting for my phone to ring. (for those of you that don't know me well I HATE the feeling of wasted time.) Either way I told her that she was going to drop it, never bring it up again, she was going to send me ONE more text saying good night, she loves me, and whatever else she wanted as long as she did not bring it up again, or else she was finally going to earn a punishment. (Until the other night she had never actually gotten one) And she did, she told me good night and all that, said she couldn't wait to see me tomarrow, problem over right?

No, the next day we were hanging out at my place, sitting around watching episodes of the third season of lost, and well, you guys know what happens when you sit around with you're loved one to watch movies, there's a few hours of movie watching, followed by playing with each other's neck during the boring parts, kissing and all that fun jazz. But she rolls over and starts massaging my back, chewing on my ear and whispering about how she needs punished because she was a bad girl. Ok, this is probably about how 85% of our 'sessions' start, I go oh really, I haven't noticed, I thought you were behaving for once. She replies with, no she's been a very bad girl, and then she brings up that night that I told her not to bring up again.

My line of thought at the time was; Ok, I directly told her not to bring that up, she disobeyed me, she knew she disobeyed me. I knew she just wanted to play but she did something that I specificly told her not to. So, I punished her, and not in the way she wanted. I got up, searched around for my n****e clamps, which took alot longer then it should have seeing as I couldn't find the pair I made and had to resort to a single clothespin. Told her that I was mad, that I was tired of hearing about that, and that she was to ware the pin until I told her to take it off, and that if she asked to take it off or anything like that and I would find something much worst then the pin. Then I layed down, told myself I wasn't going to do anything with her playwise, and went back to watching the move. This part was alot harder then most people would think, until then she had never actually gotten punished, not actual, nonpleasurable punishment. It was hard for me to do something knowing that it would upset her. And then trying to watch the movie as she had just been..... subdueing me left me with a nice wonderful feeling all men get when they've been teased and teased and then denied. But despite that I wasn't going to let her do anything because I knew that's what she wanted when she started it all.

She went back to watching the movie for awhile, yeah she was a bit fidgety but that was as expected, I thought everything was going ok. Then at one point she sat up for something, can't remember what but it was something normal. But she stayed up for awhile and started doing this nervous twitch and everything so I asked her what was wrong. She turned around and was in full out tears with the drippy nose and the incoherent babble of it hurts it hurts, and a ton of other stuff I couldn't understand. Well, I don't know what it's like for other masters, but when she gets to that state for me it's like a kick in the balls, I took the pin off, held her for a bit until she calmed down. After a bit longer we were watching the movie again and she left. We didn't really talk about it that night, but the next morning I get her string of text messages saying that she was sorry, that she wasn't upset because I punished her but because of a mixture of being full out terrified and the pin. I asked her why she was terrified and she told me because of the way I was acting, that I punished her and was completely silent about it, didn't say anything afterwards or anything like that. Here's the part that confuzles me though.... We were cuddling and joking around with each other and watching a movie, she got in trouble, I wasn't going to go back to cuddling her and all that as if nothing ever happened, she was in trouble, wouldn't that have defeated the purpose. And I went back to watching the movie, how much talking is involved in watching a movie?

Either way I wrote this here simply because it's on my mind, I started this journal saying that I was going to master myself, and right now this is a topic that I don't know where I stand on. I doubt that simply writing all this down will clear things up in my mind, ulike the other situations I cover in previous entries where simply takling about it for awhile clears it up, this is one I think I'm going to actually work on. I plan on sending a few pm's to some friends within the chained and tamed guild, people that I look up to and have made a point of reading their messages even if they're not in threads I've made or things like that. I also plan on asking my sub to read this and then to write her thoughts about that night, the nights leading up to that night, and her thougths about everything I wrote here. then perhaps I will be able to say where I stand on this..... If not then I have no clue where to go with this >.<