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Good e'ne..... Or I guess morning actually.... I can't sleep, so here I am. Sitting in a pitch black room in my little nine year old brothers room, in my mothers house, with her boyfriend snoring in the next room. My face bleached white by the computer monitor...... I can't sleep... I'm tired as all hell and can not fall asleep. They say that when you can't sleep it's usually because your mind is busy, plugging away at the day's issues, dealing with planing for tomarrows tasks.... So then what keeps me awake? Why does my body beg for sleep and yet slumber eludes me? I feel like s**t.... depressed, like I wasted most of the day, most of the week. Like I should be out DOING something, something important, something that matters. But yet what CAN I do?

Why so depressed? Well, why not? I sit here and reflect over things that have happened recently, the end of my summer, no more school until I can get the funds and such to start college. And I have finally gotten that first 'grown up' look at the world. I feel like.... like a layered transperancy, like the world is a foreground and I could be easily peeled away without any effect on the picture. And as I sit back and look around, at people, the way they think, act, I guess we're all like that. Very rarely do minds touch anymore, everyone's cut their 'hearts' for lack of better word out of the picture, tucked it away so no one else can see it, feel it, realize it's existance. We might as well have all been grown in some testubes, hung up on a wall a foot or two from each other, with no interaction with each other... Because that's about the same effect this world's having on everyone. Seclusion and bliss, cut what you can from the big picture, lock it in a box and throw away the key. Reflect the smiles given to you when someone's around, and only let what's in the chest show when you're alone.

I recently got into a fight with my father, within this fight he told me I need to quit being a kid and grow up already... well that's the clean and pretty version of what he told me. Even though I've been trying to grow into his expectations alot recently.... Busting my a** to get a license with no help from him, teaching myself how to drive simply by watching others. Trying to get a job, which is even harder seeing as it needs to be within walking distance, seeing as I don't have a car and he refuses to run me anywhere. Either way I'm branching off from what I wanted to talk about.... Seems like everyone's being told to grow up, no matter how old you get, what job you hold, dreams you cheerish. So then what is growing up? What is becoming an adult? I don't think it's getting a job, or having kids. But having your eyes open to the world, to the plastic montrosity that is life. It is realizing you are that .0001 of a population, such a small number, a useless number. Growing up is realizing how alone you are, it's forgetting that there's a world out there, other people feeling the same strugle you're feeling, feeling just as alone as you're feeling, just as useless. Growing up is tucking this knowledge away until nights where you're alone and out of things to occupy your time. I've known this struggle would occur, the 'hope for humanity', and I've fought to find a place within the mess. But as I look back at the fruitless struggles I've gone through I find myself with less then I started with. And I find myself feeling more like that kitten who strayed to close to the rivers bank, and is now being churrned about by the rapids, forced to go where they want me to, my constant fighting doing no more then keeping my head above the water. The great USA, a place where we should be grateful for what we have, where we set the standard of living.... But I have to wonder, everything has a price no? yes, we live longer, healthier lives then those in third world nations. Over there they are starving, dieing of disease.... but helping each other deal with it. Mentally....Spiritually they are doing much better then we are, atleast in my eyes. Over there they have nothing, and together get by on that... over here we have EVERYTHING, and do nothing but step on each other and hide ourselves away.... With that said I think I can finally get some sleep, honestly don't know if I'll post this entry, might just rip it away and lock it in my hidden chest.