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I'm fascinated with how easily the mind wanders. Most of the time, there are enough things to keep my mind occupied during the day that push aside deeper contemplation. The times when I have time to think, however? These are the times I wonder if I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I hate feeling as though I'm torn in loyalty. I hate making decisions about how to best serve that loyalty and respect, only to be left wondering if my efforts were in vain...or being made to feel that my actions were performed with malice, worthy of receiving distrust and anger.

At times, I feel invincible and feel that nothing would phase me. Other times, I cringe and hope that no one sees what I'm really feeling. I make human mistakes and take pride in my imperfections, but hate for those imperfections to be misrepresented as a sign of incompetence.

I'm flattered when people take interest in me. Maybe it's the desperate part, wanting to feel some sense of self-worth through recognition of some value even I don't recognize. I'm all too familiar with the psychological process of being skeptical of someone's sincerity, only to have those barriers slowly whittled away at until it almost seems feasible to trust in this new-found friendship. Inevitably, it serves to confirm my insecurities when whatever elusive aspect they were drawn to loses its originality. The sensation of feeling oneself lose importance and relevance... acts as a painful reminder.

I'm tired of attracting the wrong kind of people. I'm so dammed tired of drawing people who are a contradiction to my core values. I hate feeling like my core values require reconsideration and possibly sacrifice to achieve some level of fulfillment, however empty and shallow it may be.

I wish someone could care about me and care to accept what I am, faults and all. I want to feel loved. Seems that I won't be feeling this anytime soon.
</emo>