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Ok hear it is. I finely told him how I felt. I mean, not in a close sensual way but just in a talk. Casual and friendly, serious and machor. It felt like something out of the movies actually or something that could have been in a book. Well, I'll start from the beginning and go from there.
He came again to the play tonight, and it happened again with shock. I don't know why, I knew he would be there, I just didn't expect it. I feel all hot when I am near him and it hurts a bit. At the cast part, after the play I was intent upon doing it, but I wasn't shore when. I didn't want to be avoiding him all night. So I waited for the middle and didn't think of it until then. It was actually more towards the end but any way.... I asked him if he wanted to go on a walk, I like to walk outside and talk, it feels more personal and alone to me somehow. So we walked out side and it was aquard to talk at first, he knew something was coming, I could kinda tell and he told me latter on that he did. But we walked and finely got a good conversation going and I actually talked and so did he. It feels weird talking to him, I can't really explain it. Like something is in my thought but it wont come out. We danced around the actual reason I asked to talk to him for a wile and finely we sat on the steps of the school, and our conversation died down and finally came to a stop. A comfortable silence this time though, even if I did feel hot and kinda dizzy and the throught thing. I then asked him if it would be ok if we talked about an aquard subject, in a fun laughing manor. He said yes and I told him, I said, "You know I used to like you... a lot." he answered yes and that he kinda guessed it. I told him that I still kinda did, but I wasn't trying to take him away from Sam. I told him that I was happy that they were happy, but admittedly it still hurt a bit. It helped to say it out loud to him. Now I know he knows. We talked about him liking Sammy and I asked him if he had ever liked me. He told me he had. I sort of knew, but it felt good to hear him say it, though it makes my hart ach because I know I can't have him and in a way really don't want him. I really like him but I told him that I was glad that he was happy and that it probably wouldn't have worked any way. He asked why and I told him that we are to different. I said something latter that he laughed at and said "Yeah, were so different?" but I know it is true. We think differently. He is more cynical than I am, not very but it wouldn't work because of that. Plus, I didn't say this, but he has no faith in God, he doesn't believe he existed and yet he says he is going to hell all the time. I don't think so because he is a good person, but I also don't think it will be the same for him there. Like The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe series. When the dorves are there but they can't see right. Well any way back to the conversation. We were joking about it after a wile and he Awed me when I said I still liked him which made me feel odd, and more embarrassed than I did before. I don't want to like him and I told him that, but there was something there that I couldn't help. It was a physical attraction and a love of a friend. I think that is in a way what love is, or to be in love with someone, but I don't think I would ever have been able to live with him forever. So I am glad that it didn't work in a way. I drove him home and he gave me a hug good by and we talked about some other stuff and joked about me liking him. I told him I felt bad about it, but he thanked me for telling him. I think it made us both feel better to get it out in the open. He said that we could still be friends and I think we can. Nothing seems to have really changed between us, except a dull ach in my hart and that feeling like something is stuck and burning in my throught. I don't want to cry and I don't feel like crying. I feel a bit numb actually. My head feels light and I feel like a huge wait has been lifted off of my chest. But now my chest is empty. I never thought that I had fallen in love before, but maybe I did and never realized it. Maybe I was in love with him, maybe somewhere a piece of me still is. But the rest of me is still searching for another. I feel empty and numb now, but I hope to find someone some day that will fill me up and complete me forever. I know I will find him some day with the help of God and the good fairies of the earth. I don't know if I was in love or not... I don't know how I feel... All I know is that I am ok.... still alive.... hurting a bit.... but still ok.
 Trixal · Mon Feb 11, 2008 @ 12:55am · 0 Comments |
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