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whee This is driving me mad crying I used like this guy a lot 2 years ago. Well the fact is I still like him sweatdrop Let me explain *sigh*....
Ok, I transferred schools after 10th grade due to some complicated matters in my life. I really didn't want to go to a different school at all, but I didn't much have a choice. It was hard and scary, I wouldn't even look at other schools, so I was signed up a week before school started at the local public school. gonk 1 WEEK!!! Trying to find a place in the school I met a lot of people quick through friends I already know. Then I decided to try out for the musical, not expecting to get a part, I had never had a speaking line before sweatdrop Then I somehow got the lead! surprised Amazed me any way. My old school had an Ausum drama program and I didn't have a chance, but hear I was apparently the only one who could carry a tune rofl Any way, I met a hole lot of my friends I have today then. It was hard and I was really lonely. My friend introduced me to this guy that happened to be in the play. He was really nice but I didn't know him all that well. At this point I still didn't have any friends hear, except one who I already knew from like forever. whee Any way, we went to the homecoming game together, got in free by sneaking in, well we walked and took a short cut that didn't go through the gates at any rate. I don't really like football, but I was trying to gain a bit of school spirit. I still hate my school lol Any way, he was there and Since my friend kinda knew him, we sat with him and some of his friends. The other person that I kinda knew was with her boyfriend, and was busy talking to him and my friend that came with me. This left me and the guy out a bit, so we started talking and really hit it off. I mean in a friendly sort of way. He was really nice and super funny and it made me more comfortable. Some how we got on the topic of RPing and he was explaining WOW to me blaugh It was a whole lot of fun. He wasn't that good looking, but he was cute and there was something essential that I couldn't help but feel. A spark. Through out the play we grew closer and closer together, we were always flirting and talking. I had a huge crush on him, but every one had had one on him at one time, said a friend of mine from drama. HE was the big shot guy in drama and was a great actor. They call him the legend now lol Any way, every one knew we liked each other, but us. He never did ask me out crying Though I would have jumped at the chance heart
Before I had come, he had liked a girl before me, and still like her too. She didn't like him though and I found out when he was talking to someone and I was in the room. He said that every one knew he liked Sam, but I was thinking that I didn't. It really hurt. But things didn't change between us, and it seemed to get more intense even. I let it go from the summer though with out any thing really happening between us though, and when I came back he was dating HER. burning_eyes She had decided to give him a chance. She was really popular with the guys, really pretty, a frail little thing, and I had met her and liked her. I even sort of considered her my friend, to an extent. Well that was pulled with this, and so was me and the guy's friendship. It was really hard that year because she found out what a great guy he really was. It was like, 'Wow, he isn't a jerk like all my other boyfriends'. Big surprise sister, I knew that. It was hard to see them together, and hard to look at him at all. We still talked and had fun, I just didn't touch him as much, I couldn't really, it felt wrong to me. I felt guilty and still do about it. I was happy that they were happy but I was also green with envy. We ended up the lead couple in the play that year. There wasn't a kiss in the script, but our director, being the softy that he is, was putting one in. I was excited and scarred. I really wanted to kiss him. But I would feel guilty about it. I figured this was my last chance. Because it was on stage, it would be alright though. Right? Well, he ended up not putting it in and I didn't get it. At the performance I had laryngitic to a point, I could act, but singing wore me out and affected my performance. So I agreed grudgingly, for the play, for someone to sing for me. Guess who was singing MY part.... The one that I had memorized, I had perfected, I had spent months working on...... HER!!! Just as salt in my wound. crying I am shore she knew that I liked him, though I never said anything. I had tried getting over him all year and it hadn't worked gonk
Well the next year I went to high school he had graduated. He left with out me ever telling him how I felt. This was my chance, I would never see him again. I had worked all summer to not think about him. I made a lot of progress too. When I got to school I was confident to start afresh. I did well and didn't think about him much any more, he was never around. He came to the first play and it was hard to see him again. All those thoughts and memories came back. She wasn't there either, though they were still dating, still are. It was hard but I delt and verily talked to him, avoiding him with lots of work, which I really did need to do. I didn't see him for a long time after that.
Tonight the Winter One Acts were playing. I was in one, but like last time, mine got chosen to go to festival and we didn't get to perform that night. He came. redface I was shocked, I didn't expect him and never thought about him any more, infact I in a way forgot about him. I came out of the dressing room after putting the actress makeup on and there he was standing talking to my friends. I stopped walking and my hart seemed to stop to. I couldn't breath and I couldn't think. Just seeing him made me do this. I couldn’t avoid him and I really wanted to talk to him. So I walked over and said hi. He kept on asking 'how I was doing', like he didn't have anything else to say, and I felt warm inside and hot and scarred. He would look into my eyes with his cairing dark chocolate brown ones. Right into my eyes, and ask, it hurt, but was sweet and I wanted more than any thing for him to hold me. But he couldn't. Every time he asked I just said good. I didn't know what to say to him, my mind was blank, full of feelings and memories. It was confusing me and making me feel hot all over. I felt like I was burning up and a bit dizzy just standing in his vicinity. The spark is obviously still there, and though I love seeing him, it makes me sad. He brought up memories of when we used to flirt all the time, he talked about the reactions to stuff he did then that he hadn't done since he started dating her. It hurt and I wanted him to like me again. (she didn’t come to the play. I don’t think she even likes plays! She didn’t even go to see him act in collage. He told drama about it when he came to the first play. I went to see it.)
After the plays we went to Ruby Tuesdays, to eat a celebrating snack thing. We had to wait like an hour to get our seats, because there were so many of us. I talked to him, and we started talking about fun stuff we did and things that we were doing. He started teasing me and I started teasing him, it felt like 3 years prier, I forgot for a wile that he was dating her. It felt good, and I was laughing and happy, but then he said something about her and my mind froze up again. It hurt so bad. I still wanted to sit with him and talk as friends though. But he chose to sit at a 4 person booth with my friend and her boyfriend and his best friend in drama. There was a little room next to him that I was tempted to squeeze into, but I knew it would be bitter sweet and hard to handle for me, so I had to sit across the room from him, I couldn't even talk to him. It made me sad, I couldn't stop steeling little glances at him to see what he was doing and what he was talking about. Once I met his eyes and I turned around quickly on instinct. It didn't happen again. When it was time to go home, I really wanted to give him a short, well long but I didn’t want to push my luck, reel hug. I was hopping that he could hold me once, just as a friend at least. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands before driving home and when I came out... he was gone.... He didn't even say good by. I wanted to cry. I was hurt agene and I know I shouldn't be. We are only friends, he is taken, and it would be too hard for me. When I got home I wanted to cry.... but I can't and I don't know why. It hurts so bad but my hart feels numb... I feel cold now... I feel dumb.... I really don't cry anymore.... not from being sad or upset. I can cry for physical pain though. It has been this way for some years now. Like I lock it all inside..... Perhaps it is just an attraction, I tell this to myself... perhaps what I felt in him wasn't real.... perhaps what I saw... felt in his eyes was only my loneliness playing tricks on me again.... I feel so lonely now, so numb.... I don't know what to think, but I had to get this down.
He will be there tomorrow.... I want to talk to him... tell him what I feel..... what I felt..... I need to know some things.... But will I have the courage
I didn't last time
 Trixal · Sat Feb 09, 2008 @ 06:14am · 1 Comments |
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