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i have had a sort of self revelation.
i've realized that when at school, or around people in general, i'm a totally different person from who i want to be.
at night, before i go to bed, i think about my day.
but i don't just think about what HAPPENED.
i think about what i wish would have happened in the day; what i wish i had to courage to do, say; what i hope happens in the future.
i had an epiphany, of sorts, earlier: if i were truly real and transparent all the time, i would be known as a completely different person.
some things i wish i were/did i don't want to post here, but some i DO wish to say are:
•i'd be a lot ruder. which would be bad, because i'm pretty rude as it is.
•i actually LIKE most of my classes. i want to pay attention, but i don't like being classified as a goddamn nerd.
•let's just say, i wouldn't even talk to certain people, while others i'd probably be close friends with.
•anyone who has seen precious, near the beginning of the movie, she's in math class, some kids be messing around, she walks up to one of them, slaps 'em upside the head, tells them to shut the ******** up. yeah that'd be me, like twenty times a day.

yeah. life's [in general, for most people] pretty ******** up, eh?