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i look happy but really i just swollow what i feel. i cry and rave and yell on the inside to the point i really just want my pain erased. swept away with the dust and durt like and imaginary broom. im used and abuesed by the things that are saposaly my parents. parents are saposta be loving and sapportive not crule and punishing. they probly forever wonder why i read, draw and lock my self away and want to be left alone. they are the foundation of my pain and dont even relise it. i read to become others. to feel what they feel to lose my self in their world. i draw absent mindedly and it shows what i feel inside. i consently draw eyes with sadness, madness, and rage in only just a space of small porportion compared to what they actualy show. i belive im too kind to just lose it and express my rage. all i do is cry my self to sleep just after it. that is the extince of my rage. to just push it down and hope it just gose away. it doesnt it just sits there and grows waiting for my control to wast away at the expence of hurting others. im the first to always to be blamed. just because im the oldest out of three. in the one month of july i acsadently hurt my 2ed yongest brother twice and drew blood both times. i sent him to the hospial the first time. both were acsadents he caused both times. it some thing he is doing when he gets hurt that leads to me hurting him. its not just him its also the other yonger brother. at 6 i broke his arm and this other kids arm a few months later. he (brother) cut his foot open landing on a cat can I LEFT, around the same time i broke his arm. they've never been sent any where for things they've done. and yet it doesnt seem fair. why am i always blamed? am i not really their full sister or am i just an out cast of this so called famliy? im for ever to drown in the tears i shead for them. is it not right to want to be left to my self pity and not be obsurved? shall i ever be truly ever be alone in this god given exsistence of mine? will they ever relise what they have made of me? im their personal slave that will do almost any thing they want and hardly give them grife about it. ive had enogh i want to just disaper let them pick up their own mess and the peaces they shatered their own child into. i just cant say it to them. i never can and probly never will. my brothers are the perfict children when i can see they are not. i was just an unwanted acsadent when the 2ed yongest is also an acsadent but is loved and spolied to the point of no returen. they get of eazy and i do everything and work hard. dad always lets his anger out on me. he doesnt love my mom he said he wouldnt have married her if i wasnt there. yeah i ruined his life and ruind it more with my brothers. i want to disaper to never be heard again. just let me disaper and leave my pain behind with the tears im sheding now.