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Another letter, another mess of feelings being poured out onto the page. Might not be the last, but this was....one of the firsts that started it all.

To the one who gave me depression,

If I think back to it, I'm still saddened you left. I hate good byes after all, and I think that was one of the firsts to happen like that. There were several reasons why you might have left. It's honestly been too long that even my memory is starting to get hazy. It might have been for my own good. I mean, you did see that me being around you was hurting me. It might have been because you needed to focus on other things in life. It was a time of big transitions after all. Or you know, it might have been that I was just incredibly dull and didn't notice how much I bothered you.

You taught me a lot of myself. My feelings, how I worked with others, my love language and so many of my faults. While many of those ended unresolved and would carry over to other relationships, it was enough to make me aware of really just how bad I was. And I began to resent that.

Now that's not the start of my depression, but it sure as heck didn't help. I mean, I was already developing contempt and deep sorrowful hurt at so many things going wrong in the world. Put in the fact that I started feeling spite for myself, it becomes hard to be the light to others I had hoped to be.

When we first met, I was naive. I was pure. Very much so. I hadn't ever talked online with people online for a very intensive or long time before then. But I knew I wanted to help people, be a genuine friend for them and support them in whatever way I can. And bam! I met you. Or rather, I was tossed right into the middle of something. I had joined a guild in a game and was invited to the group chat. As it turned out, the group chat was just in the middle of having some drama. A falling out between two members in the chat who used to be pretty good friends. I was new to it all, but I wanted to help so I reached out. To the both of you. One of them turned me down, saying he was fine. So I turned most of my focus on you.

Initially, you didn't reply or pay me any heed. I suspect I came during a sensitive time. But I was persistent. I drew a simple picture every day for you along with a small message. Now I know that sounds really grandoise and everything, but it honestly didn't continue for long. Maybe for a week or two until you finally started to reply. That's when we started to talk. Using that as a way to slide into your DM's, I started up the conversations. Now when we first started talking, you set down some rules and I agreed to them.

We wouldn't fall for each other. No romantic feelings whatsoever.
No personal information. We would remain anonymous to each other except by our IGNs.
We would be as honest as we could about each other within the scope of the second rule.

And with that, we talked. For many long days and nights, we talked each day about anything and everything. You shared some things about yourself, I shared somethings about myself. We became very good friends. But there were still some things that irked me. As we continued to talk and things happened, I learned more things about myself.

I don't know much about the world. Not how it works, how it thinks, nor the things that happen.
I hold too tightly to promises. Verbal, typed or empty ones.
I value time too highly. Quality time with someone, especially if promised is something I would hold them to their word for. And it often doesn't end well.

Now of course, to learn these things I must have had them told to me or encountered them myself. It was the latter. I think in general, I held integrity much too high. I still hold it in high regard as something people should have, but it was something I strove for in both myself and others. Sounds awfully arrogant of me, I know. I was young, naive and innocent. I had yet to learn personal emotional pain.

Even though there were so many hurts as we talked, there were many good times too. I learned the basics of how to roleplay through you. I heard many things about other places from you. I also felt feelings for you.

Whoops! But we had agreed no feelings. I was very aware of that. I had and still have an excellent memory for those kinds of things after all. So I tried to stifle them. It worked.....for a while. Using pure logic, I reasoned myself out of the crush. I knew it wouldn't be what you wanted anyway. But it kept creeping back through the weeks and months.

Through the time we did that.
Through the time you told me of then.
Through the time you said good bye.

The first time I began my late night walks was when you told me of then. It was such a hurtful and painful existence to me. I felt deep hatred towards those three. I was so unsettled that I needed to clear my mind and have some time for myself, even if it was late out.

Another time was when you said good bye. I was so deeply saddened and hurt. I didn't want to let go. I remember that night. It was late, way past the times I should really be walking outside safely. It was cold, pouring rain just like the typical weather here. Perfect for a depressive mood. Perfect for contemplative thoughts. Perfect for thoughts to turn to suicide.

I didn't actually of course. I'm still here, right? But my thoughts did wander dangerously close. I thought of hurling myself at the next passing car. It was dark, I was walking along a stretch with no street lights. It was raining. I was hardly wearing enough for how cold it was. But honestly, by God's grace no cars passed. Not until I had enough time to think a good amount and calm myself down. Not until I had stepped back into the light of the street lights. And by then, I was just feeling cold, miserable and ready for bed. I'm also still surprised I didn't catch a cold that night, thank God for my stupidly good immune system.

But in all honesty, even though my physical health was fine, my emotional health was in tatters. In addition to some family matters and exams rolling around the same time (in addition to my birthday), it really didn't do me any good. I ended up getting depression for my birthday present that year. Hurray!

Well it's been a long time since we last had a good talk. Lots of things have happened, I've met a lot of people and my emotional health has been steadily deteriorating since then. But I think I'm okay with how things are now. We don't talk any more, but I think that's okay. Too many things have changed about me and when I did try to reach out again, it feels like we've lost touch. We don't click any more. So I think this will have to be it.

Good bye.