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And to the one whom I still love, I don't know when you'll read this or if you ever will. By some miracle if you were to ever come across this, I pray that by then we would already have moved to better times. This will be like a letter, a rant from me to you. Energy and raw emotion, refined through rationale and time to think but not dulled through the passing of time. So you better be damn prepared to read all this and play cat's cradle with your heart strings. 'Cause I ain't about to be the only one doing that.

I don't even know where to start, even with so much to say. Through all of today as I went on a day-long hike I thought of you a lot, the things you've said, the things I've wanted to say. And wow, does my a** hurt. It could use a nice squeeze. Even just saying something like that is almost enough to make me cry. Why? Because almost everything can make me think of you. I've shared so much with you, heard so much back and we've touched on so many topics that near anything can find its way back to you. Often times, it does. The past 4-5 days you've been on my mind constantly, maybe even more than before. And it hurts every time. Not a constant heart-wrenching pain, but a dull and sad pain which induces misery. If I start remembering all the times we've had and the precious moments, that's when I start feeling the pain more sharply.

I've thought about this a lot the past few days. Brooded, even. I likened this feeling to depression since I've gone through that too. It's similar, but different. Depression is like a void of emotion, dark and gloomy. If you tried to lighten up the mood or had a happy moment, it would disappear quickly into the void. It's very constant too and drains energy until you have none left for the day and anyone else around. Heart break is like a swirl of heart ache. Shortly after being thrown into the waters of it, you'll find yourself immersed in it, all the time. Even if you find a brief area away from the waters, you're still drenched in the pain. There are even times when you go under, the sharp pang of sadness echoing deep within your chest as you drown in sorrow.

I never thought I would feel this, you know? Heart break. In fact, I never thought I would be loved, that I would love or even that I would have been thrown under. Then everything changed when the fire nation attacked I met you. Honestly, I had thought it odd at first how you proclaimed you loved me. I doubted it too. Thought it was just an infatuation. Even that was dubious to me too because I found it so odd that someone was interested in me romantically. It never occurred to me, that eventually I would fall for you too. And only after, through some conflicts did I start feeling much more deeply how you loved me and how I loved you. From then, I kept spiraling deeper into the feeling, all while questions and worries flooded my head.

What would your family think of it?
Would you really be willing to wait so long if you wanted a relationship?
What even was our relationship?
Would it even last that long?
Did you even still love me?

Those questions and more plagued me. Now imagine my pain when the one who taught me to love romantically, taught me I could be loved romantically, who I wanted to spend my life with, said one night that it would end.

From then, only more questions came. How long would the break be? Would I still have a chance? Could you still love me, after you sorted your feelings out? Would I still be able to talk to you like before after good bye?

Did you fall out of love with me?

It hurt to think that. Even to type it. I didn't want to ask these questions because I knew it would hurt you to see them, hurt me to hear what the answer might be. After all, I had wanted to share all in life with you. To spend both the bad and good times together. To laugh, to cry, to love.

But you've gone. There's no telling if you'll ever read this but I hope one day we'll be okay again and can share these things. After all, there was so much more I wanted to share. You taught me a lot about myself, were patient with me and forgiving of my wrongdoings. Even when I was stubborn and foolishly clung to my hurt, you yielded through the pain and still showed love. I've learned much from you and hope to improve more. I can only hope that the same goes for you.

I will share this. I think I would have considered us to have dated. After all, were we not committed to each other for some time? If I'm wrong about that, tell me then. I don't know if we could have been called boyfriend and girlfriend, but we felt strongly for each other, were committed to each other and wanted to know more about each other with hope in mind. Maybe if one day, you fall in love with someone else, share life with him and tell him your stories, I'll be included to your love life. With the Facebook status included "It's complicated".

And if, by some miracle you were to read this in the near future, before I've disappeared from your mind, even further than the back of your mind, I wanted to at least ask:
Will you go out with me? As the one who stole my heart and left like a thief, will you take this fool with Stockholm's Syndrome for your own?
Because I love you. And I think a part of me always will. But I need to have closure or I'll never be ready again.

Edit: I was rejected spectacularly, but things aren't as messy now. u w u