It's funny how I haven't been here in months... but I suppose I should take the time to gather my thoughts one last time here.. When you love someone, you should be true to them and never hold anything back. but if the feeling is not mutual, they should let you know.. At least, that's what I wanted to believe. My hearts been shattered and I don't know what I did to deserve such a deceitful way of hurting me. I thought that she was busy and she couldn't talk to me... but that wasn't the case. She was seeing another man and fell in love with him. instead of telling me it was over, she hid from me for over a month. When I left a message for her, I received a phone call from her new boyfriend telling me the whole story. This is something I just never thought would happen to me.. but yet I've had gone through much worse.. I've had many times came close to killing my own brothers for causing me pain.. but in the end, I couldn't do it. Why do I have such a caring heart that it can easily be pierced violently? Why do I let people hurt me so badly? And what did I do to deserve such treatment? They say with Karma, "what goes around, comes around." But why hasn't anything I have done come around and bless me?
It's hard to be strong and confident for others when you learn you're not good enough for the ones you care about.. you feel empty inside and you don't know why... you don't know what happened to put you in such a position.. with this, I wonder if I do deserve happiness.. or if I'm just fated to hurt until I can't feel anything anymore.. it gets to the point I want somebody... anybody... to just tell me I'm not alone.. I don't want to hurt anymore... and I don't want to lose what I hold dear to me.. even if she doesn't want to talk to me, she's never told me she hates me or that it was over... saying nothing at all leaves such a heavy weight on me and makes it hard to let go.. and I hate this feeling inside me... it should kill me, but it's keeping me alive to show me the things I regret and wished would've been different..
And then I come to my final fork in the road. Where does either path lead me? and which one should I follow? I can't tell anymore, but I know I have to move forward. and since I have to make this decision by myself, I have to believe it's the right path to follow... but I don't believe I can do it anymore. I'm losing sleep because of this and the one person I want to hear from the most... just seems to fade away with each passing day.. Am I really going to lose everything? How much more can I take until I just give up on hope... it's all I have left in me... when I lose that.. then I know there's nothing left to believe in... and now I'm afraid.. afraid to open up again.. just to be hurt like I am now.. If that's what love is, then I don't want it! I refuse to take such abuse again! I don't want to fall in love.. but I can't stop thinking about it.. how do you walk away from someone who hasn't said it's over? what does it mean? I just want her to stop hiding from me and tell me it's over.. or tell me she wants to be friends... either way, I can move forward and get over it once and for all...
G-Angel Izzy Community Member 
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