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Why am I on this plane? I shouldn’t be leaving him. I told him I would stay by his side forever, but here I am, taking a one-way trip to Paris. I know it’s because I’m a coward and a weak, pathetic fool. I couldn’t stand to see him with someone else. Even though, he told me he loved me too, I know he and I will never happen.
Lowell fell in love with Ducane, and Ducane with him. I became invisible, but part of that is my fault. I got distant because it hurt too much to be near him. Then, he left for a week and I disappeared. My family moved back to Japan and took me with. I never got to say good-bye, but I did leave him a note. I still remember what it says too…
‘Dear Ducane,
I’m sorry I left before I could say good-bye, but I didn’t have a choice. You’ll forgive me. You have to, because I’m your best friend. You’ll never have sore feelings toward me, just like I won’t toward you.
On that note Ducane, there is something I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now. Please don’t be grossed out or weirded out, but I love you. I’ve liked you for a while now. I know it doesn’t matter since I’m gone and you are dating someone, but it’s the reason I grew distant from you. It hurt to see you with someone. I’m sorry I’m such a coward. I love you, and please forgive me.
Love, Sumiko.
Why did I leave him? Does he know how much my heart aches? I’m screaming inside. One side of me wants to forget him, but the rest will never let him go. I think I will always love him, even if I do get married and move on. I guess I should let go and get on with my life, but I’m scared to. I’m afraid I’ll lose HIM completely. I can’t stand to picture my life without him.
Oh Ducane, I wish I could have told you all this. Maybe things would be different, but I won’t get hopeful. I know he loves Lowell. I can’t really compare to him can I? He’s so important to him. I was important to him too, and I’m sure I still am. I’ll never be on the same level as Lowell though.
It doesn’t really matter anymore though. I’m here and he’s all the way on the other side of the world. He can’t hold me or talk to me. Why would he want to love someone so far away? Why do I is a better question…
If there was one thing I could say to him right now, I think it would be…
I pull out my phone and scan under the list of names. I pull up Ducane and send him a text. I spell out, ‘Hey stupid, I’m in Paris. I miss you. <3’
After a few other texts, I get one from him I have to save.
‘I miss you <3.’
 Hit and Run Lolita · Thu Jul 02, 2009 @ 02:23am · 0 Comments |
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