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The night-terrors have gone, and I feel good and relaxed about most things now...the big thing, though, the big thing...

...is that we can't go on wandering about like this, and once I finish school it's definitely time to move in together. Because we're of different nationalities, the only practical way to do that is to get married.

What the flying ********? I'm not even twenty-one yet. I don't have a career, or a home, and I haven't done half the things I mean to with my youth yet. How the ******** am I supposed to get married? Married is what people in plays do. In the real world, no one under the age of 35 gets married, EVER.

That was the initial reaction...various things that have happened since have made me feel comfier with it, though. Mostly a late-night walk I took lately where I stopped to sit in my favourite park and realised; you're either married or you're not; no bullshit legal ceremony is going to change that one way or another. I love Matthew and he loves me, and we intend to spend the rest of our lives together, so I guess it doesn't matter much whether we're married or not.

But my feelings vary from week to week, if not day to day...I'm very positive about it now, but I wasn't last Sunday, sorta thing. I still can't see myself DOING it...I want to cross that dotted line but I've no mental picture of what it will be to do so...