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Today was rather... Ineffectual: unavailing; futile. Same people, same routine, and the same empty feeling. I have those who care for me, but no one who fully understands me. And it's near impossible. My likes and dislikes are so different from the general person its impossible to get along with me or find some common ground with. I don't enjoy anything any more only because everything seems to lack... something. Its like people don't care for me anymore and just do things for themselves. Like when my mother does something for me. Its for the need to give me things or to say that she has spent time with me... but she doesn't pursue things that I like. I don't complain. I agree to watch old movies that she likes and accept the gifts she gives.... but I'm never able to enjoy myself. It is selfish of me, as of any person, to not be happy with the many things she or he has... but I believe every person is entitled to happiness. When will I have my share of it?

I can't stand writing now. I find that when I write, the details are annoying, and my romance is so over done its nauseating. What can words do for me? What can words do for anyone? I want the real thing... my thoughts of romance have always been physical and completely juvenile. I've never tried thinking about the relationship. Everything beyond the romantic physical stuff is out of my hands. I can't control a person... I've never been in love is what's the problem. I've never loved anything, actually. It's impossible for me. I personally think its a state of mind... an illusion actually. When your mind gets caught up in the reality of things... you forget about love. I guess I knew it at one time... but now I just feel cold. Nothing moves me anymore. Its all work and striving to get through things now. Its black, empty, and cold, and I feel like I'm dieing and could care less. Nothing means anything anymore.... everything is meaningless. Nothing.

I don't want to die exactly.... I don't know what I want. I'm just... here. I'm nothing.