i tried but i can’t anymore. god knows how much i tried but it’s gone. little by little, i’m starting to realize how foolish i’ve been to let it go. it’s not much but it’s the only thing i really had - something mine for keeps, something mine for me.
this is why i don’t trust security, why i doubt assurances - they could be gone before we know it. i did, i forgot what it felt to lose something as i got used to the feeling of being wanted, included… that i didn’t realize i let it slipped through my grasps. it was stupid of me, utterly stupid. how could i let that happen?
i made many mistakes in my life, some i’ve forgotten, many i’m trying to forget. all of them cost me things i wish they didn’t but this one cost me the only thing that could have been my ticket. i lost it.
i lost it.
it’s a sad day to have realized only too late what you’ve lost. this is a sad day for me. i lost myself. i lost my biggest hope. i lost track of my dream.
all these years i’ve managed to walk the road i myself chose. but what happens now that my reason left me? can i go on?
disappointment is a bitter pill to swallow. it stings, it claws at my remaining thoughts, it keeps me falling deeper and deeper into a hole of my own making. i don’t want to think about it, i don’t want to remind myself what a failure i’ve been all these times because it hurts. truth hurts.
and i hate myself more for being this weak, for being this reckless. i want to scream, i want to cry, i want to shout.
i don’t want to be this girl anymore who bleeds her heart out everytime the truth is too much to bear. i don’t want to be this girl anymore who pretends everything’s fine when it’s not. i don’t want to be this girl anymore who believes too soon, dreams too big, loves too much.
i fought but i strayed too far. i lost my way. and all that’s left of my struggle is a bloody trail of broken hopes, shattered dreams, unshed tears.
i hate this.
this is why i don’t trust security, why i doubt assurances - they could be gone before we know it. i did, i forgot what it felt to lose something as i got used to the feeling of being wanted, included… that i didn’t realize i let it slipped through my grasps. it was stupid of me, utterly stupid. how could i let that happen?
i made many mistakes in my life, some i’ve forgotten, many i’m trying to forget. all of them cost me things i wish they didn’t but this one cost me the only thing that could have been my ticket. i lost it.
i lost it.
it’s a sad day to have realized only too late what you’ve lost. this is a sad day for me. i lost myself. i lost my biggest hope. i lost track of my dream.
all these years i’ve managed to walk the road i myself chose. but what happens now that my reason left me? can i go on?
disappointment is a bitter pill to swallow. it stings, it claws at my remaining thoughts, it keeps me falling deeper and deeper into a hole of my own making. i don’t want to think about it, i don’t want to remind myself what a failure i’ve been all these times because it hurts. truth hurts.
and i hate myself more for being this weak, for being this reckless. i want to scream, i want to cry, i want to shout.
i don’t want to be this girl anymore who bleeds her heart out everytime the truth is too much to bear. i don’t want to be this girl anymore who pretends everything’s fine when it’s not. i don’t want to be this girl anymore who believes too soon, dreams too big, loves too much.
i fought but i strayed too far. i lost my way. and all that’s left of my struggle is a bloody trail of broken hopes, shattered dreams, unshed tears.
i hate this.
