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It's pretty clear to me, myself and I, that I'm not the same inside anymore. For the past few days I was sick physically, now I've gone mental...

I want to give up...which is easy to do...I hate that....

On Life? Sure.
Love? Whatever.
Anime. Uh huh.
Music....scary...but yes...

Spent all day yesterday and today punishing myself. Testing my physical and mental limits with a smirk on my face during the whole damn time.
I used water. Belts. A hammer. An office chair. A wodden bat. Two golf clubs. Pretty much anything that could be lifted up and was heavy with force or blunt. The wrench was the worse....ow, right?
And lifted as much as my body could take but pushed even further....
Everything hurts and should. But no matter what, I can't get rid of the emptiness in me...
I don't have anything to keep me going anymore....

No...I'm not going to "off" myself. I tried pushing myself to near death with the water already since I knew it would be the hardest way to go...

You know...after the beating I gave myself...I smiled in the mirror? Not a happy smile. Was a grin that brings doom and fear to myself(yet thrilled yours truely) and others(my thick eyebrows make it worse). That scary face in the mirror was the only thing that made the empty feeling go away

I won't become that person. A creature of misery and chaos. Deep down I'd like to think I can't...right?
But I could. And do it will glee.
Again though, I won't do it.

I can't have people worrying over me. Even to do in such a shrewed way that some offended and never talk to me again wouldn't be nessisary.
As much as I could hurt people, why? Simple satisfaction so I'd feel better about myself? To destroy the innocent in "glee" with no true justification or the littlest of reason is horrible. I'd rather bleed from my own veins than to have someone cry in a similar pain. I'm not the Angel of Destruction but I can destroy the one inside me? Ya know?

Yet....I think that Angel left months ago. Haven't felt him in a while...hmm...

Eh....gonna go watch a movie to get my mind off things. Hopefully this one is less on the nasty language. Funny how I still care about unnessisary profanity in movies after everything sweatdrop