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The Life and Mind of DamnBlackHeart
This is to help me stay actively writing. So expect to see rants, tips on writing, thoughts on subjects, me complaining of boredom, reviews, anime, movies, video games, conventions, tv shows and whatever life throws at me.
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I honesty didn’t expect this. I thought I would die from old age or an illness. I ruled out being run over and even being mugged by a jackass that’s a bit too trigger or stab happy, because I hardly leave the house unless I need to. What I didn’t expect was to drown to death and it was in an embarrassing way too. Only a special kind of idiot tempts death by being in the water when they don’t know how to swim properly.
I thought I was being smart about it too. I figure I’ll be safe as long as I didn’t go too deep into the water by keeping it below my knees. I would also run back to the dry sand when a wave came. It worked for a while, but then I lost my balance trying to run from a much bigger wave. I remember yelping and falling backwards as the salty water rushed into my mouth. I started coughing and struggling to get back onto the shore, but the current pulled me back. I fought the pull and nearly made it, but another current swept me further away. At that point I felt weak and knew that it was just a matter of time. I wasted too much energy fighting the pull than focusing on floating or staying calm.
I...don’t know if I don’t remember because I passed out after drowning or I’m blocking the memory. It could be a bit of both, I suppose. It’s not like it’ll do me much good in remembering how painful and scared I was. I always skipped over those details when I think about it.
But there’s nothing else for me to do other than to think about my last moments alive. I’m dead, so that means I have a lot of time to reflect on it. So I’m pretty sure that I may have flash some people when I fell down. In hindsight, I notice a lot of what I didn’t before and should’ve done. But that’s to be expected when your mind was focus on not dying and what I do remember is enough to traumatize me. I wouldn’t be surprise if I have a phobia of large bodies of water because of that. Though that doesn’t matter now because I’m dead.
I’m...I’m dead...
I think it’s finally setting in. It’s burned into my mind and my senses. I can still feel the pain of my throat and nose burning, the cold salty water filling my lungs and enclosing my body entirely. The fear, robbing my mind of rational thoughts as all I could think about, was that I know what was coming if I didn’t get back onto the shore. I lost myself or at least a piece of me to that terrible raw desperation. I don’t want to, but I think about what I’ve left behind in the living world. My family and friends, just...everything.
I hope no one misses me too much. Oh no, she’s gonna blame herself for my death. I haven’t been to the beach in years and when I finally went it’s because my friend wanted to go. And no one passes up free food and transportation. I can’t even give her a sign or visit her in her dreams to ease her mind. I just have to hope that she’ll be able to move on from it. Not only was my death traumatizing to me, it must have been just as traumatizing to her as well. Seeing me for the last time alive and then the next, dead. Having to talk to the lifeguards about who I am, maybe contacting her parents and mine to break the news if she hasn’t lost her composure yet. Then collecting my things from the sand and knowing that I won’t ever finish that science fiction book.
It seems like the only thing that I can do is think. I’m still not sure how I’m suppose to feel about being dead. There’s nothing here, just emptiness and darkness. I thought the afterlife would be more enlightening. I had no expectations, but I didn’t think it’ll be like this. Maybe everyone’s afterlife is different according to who they are or what they believe in? For me, maybe because I’m too opened minded that it placed me this dark void of nothingness. Death, God...whoever, just doesn’t know where to put me or what I want because I haven’t figured it out myself. I can only speculate.
At this point I rather be a ghost haunting people on Earth. It would probably get boring really quick after one too many scares, but it would be better than this. I would have something to entertain me, something to keep my mind off of being dead. Actually, that would probably drive me insane, not being able to be apart of the living world. I imagine it’s difficult being a ghost, trying to muster the energy or what’s around in order to have the power to physically interact with anything.
Maybe being in this dark void isn’t such a bad thing. It’s not terrifying, it’s actually comforting in a way, but it is lonely. Physically I can’t feel anything, but I have the sense that this void is warm and safe. There’s no time here. I exist and yet I don’t. Sometimes I feel my consciousness merge with something I can’t explain. I don’t know what it is, but I get the feeling that it’s something greater, something that goes beyond death, even beyond life. It’s peaceful, and yet overwhelming.
I wonder what will happen if I give in?
 DamnBlackHeart · Sat Mar 19, 2016 @ 03:56pm · 0 Comments |
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