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mmm~

I get tired then I wake back up and it takes me hours before I'm tired again. I keep thinking that I'll just be restless and want to move around again, that it isn't true exhaustion I feel and push myself onward to an unreasonable hour.

I am the wilting rose in winter.
I am the wilting rose with frozen dew drops,
resting upon its leaves and nestled in its petals.
As the slow winter comes,
I'll be eaten alive inside;
but, my beauty will remain frozen.
Forevermore, I am the winter rose.

The ice queen will win.

Aish. I'm listening to Weezer and it's totally in the mood. I listened to a bit of the mix that Stefan made. At first I thought it meant more than just a car ride trip thing but I think I'm really safe. I don't think I hurt him too badly. I need to lay off on the criticism there. I'm really harsh these days about my trail of broken hearts. I keep thinking that the only reason my exes and people from my past keep popping up is cause I come across as easy or a slut. I think I'm a whore. I think they can read it or smell it off me. Desperation. I think they see sex when they look at me and I know I'm really pretty and lost good weight but, it scares me. It scares me... to have that dream at my feet.

It scares me to think that all my dreams are coming true. It sends the signals to me that it is the end. When things go so well, there is an inevitable crash ahead. Turning on my phone will surely start it. I'm scared. I'm so scared.

Pfft. I'm not eating well right now either but that's because I'm trying to get back into my routine here. I keep thinking it has been more time than it really has been. I'm lost. My emotional state doesn't help my eating and my eating doesn't help my emotional health. One has to take the beating. I keep switching back and forth.

I'm still scared but maybe I'll listen to some music in bed to make myself sleep. It is almost four afterall, LOL.