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3-18
Wow i've been writting a lot. Guess i'm getting better at this ><"
ha. Not really. Just had a mental meltdown. Seems to be done with now. So i'm back to normal. Relatively speaking of course lol
So the visit went well. I think anyways. I didn't shake, faint, or anything. True i never looked at him above his knees besides his hands, and when it was time to leave my tongue caught in my throat and i couldn't say anything to the man that drove us home, and i didn't say anything directly to Billy.....but aside from that which hopefully no one noticed, yeah went well. Billy rnded up taking a deep strike army, not a mech as i was told, so firedragons, warhound, and falcon were obsolete. Well everything was obsolete as his deep strike epically failed the first time, we slaughtered everything but Dante and so he just gave up reconizing that losing three squads and a hero, he no longer had a chance in hell of winning. Oh well. I was gonna go noise marines for the ffa (rock on bitches! >:0 ) but we ended up so engrossed in CoD we didn't have time sweatdrop at least it was fun. And as long as i wasn't the first infected, i got some kills in biggrin i killed four people one match! Four bone fide, real, breathing, talking, more or less thinking, flesh and blood people!! Ah.....an achievment. Progress I say, PROGRESS!!
-ahem- yeah. Noah made dinner (with mums help of course) and didnt destroy or burn anything so achievment for him! Then he forced to make banana bread. Extortionist. Anyways, we watched Wind Talkers. In case you're unfamiliar, military movie about world war whatever or some other war. You know what, what war isn't so important! Point being, it was about the States using code in the Navajo language and marines charged with protecting them. Frankly, guard the injuns on the line, if overrun, shoot injun. There. Whole movie. Quite depressing. Lol sad i'm in a better state of mind watching someone as insane as i am die than after hearing a song about defending those you love. Maybe cuz he died. Idk. Idc. Well i do. But not enough to pick it apart until i do. It'd be good material for that self-analyzing lesson. Not much in the mood though.
Ah s**t. Totally forgot i was supposed to picking out kids clothes for tomorrow. It's PJ day at the big kids school, so i gotta find harrison pj's. He has them somewhere.....and shea wants to wear all her new clothes, but forcast calls for muggy, humid, storm 'morrow. Now that it's later, i can feel the storm coming. Worse, i can feel the humidity that'll rise with the sun. Also means the ******** mosquito's'll be out in swarms picking everything apart like a plague of locust. Fantastic.
Note to self: don't forget your practice test.
We're like going to have to bathe in manilla, put manilla candles in the pool and in the rafters of the gazebo, get out the oil torches, and stock up on Off packets for the fans. 'Sides myself, blood suckers flock to my family. Glad they don't like me as i feel those damned noses shove its way into my skin everytime. Idk what scientists say, i do. And it hurts. A lot. Makes 'em sting and itch all the more.
'Nother note to self: get luggage outta the armada
Yeah sorry bout the notes. Running a mile a minute and stuff pops up i can't forget. Just kinda ends up written down with everything else.
-sigh- still a nutter. Just now ima nutter who's cogs are realigned. Small peace it is, i shall savour it a bit.
:find a decent gods damned sharperner!
Lol yeah meditation is hard a** s**t. Lol been cursing a mite more than usual. Heh guess that tells me who took over. Ah well. Tried before, i can't force a change.
:banners
We're going to OC this weekend. No idea what d'hell brought it on, but mum 'cided we going, an we going. Lol my slurr is amusing. Anyways, hope the weather there continues to be the way 'tis now. Sunny and warmin up. And not foggy would be nice, but totally optional.
Omg! I just remembered! I almost well kinda did in an indirect way tell my mother i was bi again. How stupid -bangs head on wall- she of course pretended i didnt say a thing, but still. I slipped up. Lost it for a sec and coulda blew it. Gods i fear her reaction if i said those four exact words to her face. Ya know so she couldnt ignore it or warp it in a way so im not sayin it.
Also slipped up today when she brought up religion. She said something about 'at least we have our faith' and sometin bout god and i rolled my eyes at her. Sneaky broad caught it even though i was turning 'way and needled me 'bout it but thank the stars for once, that noah never shuts up and distracted her.
Baby steps people, baby steps. I told her i despised the catholic church (well any church, but she only got catholic outta it) and that i talk to gays. i think that's far 'nough for her this year. In october, maybe we'll try something bigger, or building on what we got. Like hanging out with lgbt, or that i don't like anabaptists either. Slowly work our way through christianity....she might accuse me of being muslim or jewish. Probably muslim as she has jewish friends now.
Damned channukah candles!! Weeks worth of wondering why we would have them over a yr ago. Stupid.....though how could i have known my uptight mother would in a year be friends with jews and gays -smh- what is she coming to.
Next she'll be having three somes! Which is a thought i'm not goung to continue, but yeah if she does, im definitly telling her im bi. She may not accept my religion, my being a les whos holding out for certain men, my sexuality being me and more or less permanent, and......yeah. Well. I dunno what to do bout either of those. can't write 'em out yet. Can't hardly say it to myself. Always has been a hard concept for me to grasp. Not mention that stupid dream of an excorsism. I could forget about it if i could believe my mother wouldnt resort to it. Also why i'm taking it slow with revealing information to her. Too much too soon and she could snap.
Lol odd how it's confusing and stressful yet all emotions are detached from it. Savour indeed. Probably be gone by tomorrow sadly. Doesnt give a ******** to stay long.
Ugh. Thanks nickleback. always have emotions with them. one of these days it'll keep me sane though. Alive. Human. The works. Life aint always the easy path or choice but bitching bout it won't help.
Pardon me, Hinder. Better than Me. Can't keep 'em away either. But hinder, it's specific songs. Very specific songs, for specific instances. Everything else i can shield myself from.
-sighs- can't decide if i'm tired or not XD i was tired at 8pm, but the sun went down so i'm up.
Magnolias are already seeding and prepping another blossom. Dogwoods are in prime. They'll be seeding in another week though. The ivy awoke couple weeks ago, already spread 3inches. Oddly, hasnt flowered yet. Will soon. Our pine-ish tree is getting it's needles back. Not many trees like evergreens loose their foliage in the winter.....yeah and the oaks are seeding. Bout done too. Then begins the wonderful chore of netting the pool twice a day and sweeping the deck to keep the helicopters outta the filter. Roses won't be budding for a bit yet though.
Lol sorry bout the random plant bit. Was coughing my lungs up and thought i need a garden to grow medicine i can ******** rely on and yeah. Led to that.
Now my minds just going round in circles of incomplete thoughts so night.
 BSPBleach · Mon Mar 19, 2012 @ 07:20am · 0 Comments |
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