3-11
Omg x3
Okay so miranda too me out to dinner tonight as a late birthday present. (i know i'm not fond of her for lieing to my face. I'll always hold that against her. But right now, she's my only friend i can like hang with) she took me to a hibachi :d
Back to the point. As usual we talked. Lol nonstop. mostly about her lovelife and her digging into me for details about mine. Well when she asked me her usual 'so is there a boy you like?' i said my usual -glare- no. She pouts. Then (cuz she knows at least that much) she asks about my 'online life'. Which eventually lead to her asking me if i liked anyone online. Now here, i immediately said yes. Did a mental facepalm at that....so she like does ******** face that i said yes, gets over herself, then moves on to accusing me of lieing. Now i'm sitting here trying to backpedal and figure out how to move on and away from this without jumping in the nice little grave i dug. I started by saying, no i didn't lie. You asked if i liked a boy- she immediately cuts me off with a squeal and another ******** face and is like is it a girl?!?!?
now i pretty much hit pause there and stopped to think. I was going to use logan as a scape goat (sorry man) and try to get out of it. But i debated what the hell i could tell her, lookedback over her reaction, and decided that no. This was just to good an opprptunity to pass up. So i said yes.
Lol her face was amusing. I stole some of her steak and gave her some scallops (as was our deal) and had finished like all my rice by the time she finished blubbering and lost the ******** look. Apprently, she thought i was bi, but had this idea that i....what was the word she used....despised i think. She thought i despised girls. I have yet to figure out how she got this impression......
But anyways she told me she was bi too (salt on the wound. Yeah i ******** it up. really gotta get over that) and asked if my parents knew. So i got to glaze over my rant of how mum flipped. She hasn't told her parents. She says her dad would be cool with it but her mom wouldn't. I don't get that. I'd think it'd be opposite knowing what i know about her family....but whatever.
Ugh. She's going to drill me forever about this.....as usual. She's like throwing me in the lions den, or kicking me out of the nest, or like whatever with dating! I think she's gotten worse but in a nicer way since she had sex with that....Ron kid i think it was. I think she told me once it was beacuse she feels guilty doing all the talking. Lol people just don't understand that i like observing from the side lines more than participating. Like 500% more. Which reminds me. I've fallen further in my mother's eyes today when she came upon the sudden realization that i don't dance. Well i know how to waltz (better well as many weddings i been too) and i did ballet, but i don't like dance. She pretty much bitched about all today. Which i just realized was really yesterday cuz i slept all day then left with miranda sweatdrop
Ugh. Miranda is driving me insane. I used to like be really pissed at her for lieing to me and trying to force me to do stuff, but like ever since she cut her hair and i like did a 'showstoppers' moment staring at her (i'm a hair person. And by damn she looked hot with hair!!) i.....well didn't get over it all, it just doesn't bug me as much. And she's moving to mexico! MEXICO!! wth am i supposed to do when she leaves? I'll be back to being stuck in the ******** house day in, day bloody out without getting out even once every other month. I'm to suffocate on this house. That simple. I don't have to worry about trying not to commit suicide beacuse this house will kill me first.
Hmm....flashback. Damn. That was ages ago. I was like, what? 3? Sheesh. Lol i hallucinated even then. Though i think it's considered normal for children while their brains develop and stabalize.
Was tempted to sink into those for a moment there. Dangerous stuff. Have to patch that up. Somehow this reminded me of my concersation with flissy.....yesterday maybe? Poor dear freaking out crying
Tried to convince her it wasn't insanity without like.....well throwing it out there. Lol why do i end up in conversations where i'm defending something i'm trying to get caught being associated with? Maybe i'm just too cautious with people and should've just told her. She'll probably think i'm a nutter too.....oh gods i'm doomed.
-wallows in negativity awhile-
Doomed. -insert censored colourful language here-
I can't even form a positive thought right now the negativity's being so pushy.
But yeah i'm doomed. Should just do as my brother's gonna do and hole up in an apartment somewhere doing nothing but playing starcraft so i can join a team and do tournaments and pay the bills with that. Great recluse job. Unless i join TL. Then not so recluse.
Wth am i even considering this! No damned team within their mind would take me! I bloody suck. As i do at all games. I love doing stuff and i absolutely suck at doing it. Okay that was a low blow even for me. I should know better than bring that up.
On a random side note, i noticed today that the blue went away. Can't figure what it was that changed though....maybe when the rp started in invictus again? Well my rp XD
Really idk. It's weird. As is my phone hanging up on logan. Again. Third time it's done it. It just don't like him o.O
I hate this. This convergance. Merging my online and real life. ******** terrible. I'm totally different towards each and the whiplash is awful. And confusing. Two parts of me fighting for how to react or handle something making my indecisiveness even worse.....not to mention it's making me nervous as hell. Lol more nervous than usual anyways. Feels like i'm walking across the frost on a lake trying not to break the ice when there's a perfectly good bridge.
........
What's with me an analogies? It feels like i'm walking on glass for no reason. I shouldn't feel nervous. I can't stop what i started. Well, i could if i spent a night to think out the lies required to do so, but even then, it'd only be a delay in the inevitable. As great as i am at those, i don't find lieing to be worth a year and a half of....not even peace. I don't even know....ugh. Talk about frustrating!!! I got what i want, but i still kept the like effects. Leads to more helplessness. Which leads to more anxiety. Which leads to more depression. Which leads to stupid nigh on vaccuous behaviour/thoughts. Which can only end badly.
Well i've pretty much drained all the energy i had with this. Now really want to find a hole and crawl into it and just sleep. For....like bloody forever. Hate getting up......
 BSPBleach · Mon Mar 12, 2012 @ 09:57am · 0 Comments |
