Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who becomes depressed when their birthday is near, especially on the day. I always hated that my birth was on a day that is usually the first day of school. I always found it unfair that everyone else is able to celebrate on their actually birthdays when I always have to do it on another day. I don't see the point of doing that because it's not special anymore. That's how I viewed it when I was younger and in my family it was a reason why it stopped being celebrated.
Because it's on a month and on the week where families are getting their kids ready to go to school and that's the only thing on their minds. For the kids they are wondering and worrying about what to wear, what teachers they'll get and which friends of theirs will be in the same class.
I don't care about presents. I stopped getting them a long time ago. I also don't care for when people on facebook tell me happy birthday. It's nice that they took the time to do so but in the end, they wouldn't have known it if facebook didn't mention it.
But what gets me though, is when people forget. More so if it's the family...your whole family really. I wanted to get at least one acknowledgement but it never happen. Instead of me telling them that it was my birthday yesterday (I was hoping I would be proven wrong and they'll tell me/write to me later in the day) I waited until the day passed. Even then I still didn't mention it because I wanted to see how long it'll take them to realize it.
Makes me wish I wasn't born. Really, one would think that at least a person's mother would know/remember because she was carrying them for months before finally giving birth to them.
That doesn't matter anymore. Next time I'm going to make a big deal and bug the s**t out of everyone and all I want in return is an ice cream cake. That was the only thing I ever really wanted for my birthday and this year it seems that tradition...or whatever it was, is broken.
It also doesn't help that my mother decided to nag me, putting me into a foul mood and nearly in tears. I'm getting older and still have no luck with a job and I've been looking and applying to some places. But the effort means nothing to her because she thinks I'm not doing anything when I have nothing to show. I don't mention these things to her because I don't want to put my hopes or anyone else's up only to be disappointed in the end.
I feel worthless and it grows every time I see something I want but don't have the money for it. Or when I reminded of being broke when people show off their things. It's even worst when I go out and other people pay for things on my behalf when I should be the one to be paying for myself. Everyone is moving forward and I'm stuck in this frozen little world.
As the years grow in number and the older I get I'm loosing the lack of will to do things. Sometimes I feel like I should become a hermit. I don't have a big impact in people's lives and I know it wouldn't be a big change if I disappear. But then I remind myself even that wouldn't be an easy thing to do and that it's just my depression and unhappiness talking.
Did I mention that on my birthday my mother decided to bring up her life? That her father abused her mother and murder her? That when her mother was pregnant with her sibling he kicked her in the stomach and it killed her and the child inside her. She told me other depressing parts of her life...
I need a break. This weekend I'm taking some time for myself and hopefully forget about this sucky mood I'm in. That's why I'm not going to be home this weekend and maybe longer then that...if it's not a problem for her. I rarely ask to stay because I don't want to be a burden which is why I usually wait until she comes to me. But yeah...
There's so much emotions inside me and it's scary. I usually can keep them in check and even then they aren't ever that strong enough to get me to write things out. I'm not just writing this to make me feel better but to maybe help people understand me better. To be honest I was reluctant to write this at first because I would be admitting that I'm upset and I didn't want people to know I'm feeling this way. But once I started I just couldn't stop writing out my thoughts.
Lastly, I'm sorry. Sorry to myself, sorry to those that I disappointed and sorry to those that I hurt. I didn't realize that my behavior is affecting people around me. I doubt anyone who knows me will ever read this (besides random strangers) because they hardly ever do. Hopefully next week I'll be back to my normal self and just maybe looking forward to stuff.
 DamnBlackHeart · Sat Sep 10, 2011 @ 03:54am · 0 Comments |
