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The Life and Mind of DamnBlackHeart
This is to help me stay actively writing. So expect to see rants, tips on writing, thoughts on subjects, me complaining of boredom, reviews, anime, movies, video games, conventions, tv shows and whatever life throws at me.
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Social Anxiety (Social Phobia) |
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I admit it, I do have a slight case of social anxiety and I've always manage to deal with it but lately it's becoming more apparent that it effects me more then I thought. Thanks to a friend who put it into perspective without knowing they did.
I always knew there was something more but I just ignore it, just like any bad issues that involve me and scare me. If no one knows what social anxiety is, it can be summed up as the fear of being judged by other people. It is sometimes confused with shyness but it is quite different. Social phobic people often fear people, public speaking, parties, meetings, classes and other situations that may include getting up in front of people or interacting with people. People with social phobia usually find it difficult to meet new people. They often hide or avoid crowds and social places.
I know I had this problem when I was younger and it was only till sophomore year in high school that I manage to get it under control it, so it didn't fear me so much. Though...I did have some moments where I tried to blend into the background so no one bother me. If that didn't work I would tried to avoid situations that require me to get involve or interact with other people.
An good example of that was freshmen year. I was scare as hell and I came off shy and I lost count in how many times I had blush when the attention was on me. But eventually I grew a bit comfortable enough to open up and get to know others. Of course, my social anxiety made me avoid joining any clubs that year simple because I was afraid of dealing with people. Hell, I hate to admit this but I didn't even interact with my guidance counselor like everyone did. I just felt ashamed and I don't know why though, I can't explain it. I just couldn't bring myself to talk to her and I avoid going to her when I could. Not like she was bad or anything...it was me that was the problem. I just couldn't and I felt it was too late to bother doing something about it when I was far into the high school year.
Honesty, as I write this my phobia is kicking in. I do NOT want to go to the DMV tomorrow and I would have done anything to avoid going, but I have to for my dad because he needs me to act as a translator. I freaking hate being a translator because they judge me and I hate, HATE the attention and the belittling words I get when I fail to do a satisfactory job of it. Hell, my first experience in the DMV wasn't that great, that woman laughed at me and I know I probably seemed like moron to her. If I place myself in her situation I would have thought the same.
Besides, I don't know if this relate to social anxiety but I tend to over analyzes a situation before and after it. Right now, I can't sleep. It's hard sometimes because I keep thinking about it. I know I should go to bed now because I have to wake up early. But I'm not doing that, I know I'm delaying the inevitable since I need my rest but I guess just knowing that once I sleep the morning will come to me much sooner then I would have liked.
Sometimes what helps me but not always is to remind myself that it's better to get it over with quick then stall and keep suffering with my fearful thoughts in my mind. But when that fails I try to remedy my fears by doing as much research as I possibly can so that I'm prepare for whatever I might face. It doesn't help much but it eases it a bit. What also helps a lot is when I'm not alone, when I have someone with me to well...watch my back. I'll be a WHOLE LOT terrified if I was completely alone to deal with something I have no idea what to do or what to expect.
For example...taking a train to a place I haven't ever been to. Hell, just taking a train to a place I have been too a couple of time worries me, more so the thought of taking it by myself. Maybe it's my fear of getting lost, or interacting with people or people staring at me...
There have been many moments in my life that contain situations that have me worrying and trying to find a way to avoid or get out of them. Another is my mom's hairdresser...I wanted a haircut badly and I finally got one with my sis offering me to take me to a place she went to. I'm thankful for that since I felt happy getting my haircut. But once I got my hair cut my mom wanted to do the same and she dragged me along to her hairdresser. I honesty wanted to avoid going simply because they'll judge me. They know my mom well and I know they'll talk about how their life is so far and I'm sure they'll ask my mother how her's is. At some point they'll probably bring up my life, like where I'm going to school, work... subjects that I DON'T like getting into...
But luckily life decided to throw a curve ball and have my mom delay her haircut until she figured out where her hairdresser moved to.
Anyway, I wasn't going to write this but I just had too because I feel like no one is listening, like no one asks me why or what's bothering me or if there's more to my "shyness" which I can't control. I just can't. It's annoying when people force me to do things, thinking that I don't want to go simply because I don't want to go or is lazy. I'm not, I just can't control my fears. I can't go to parties, night clubs, I can't get myself onto the dance floor and dance like I have no care in the world. The only time I did that I was forcing myself to dance at prom because my friends wanted me to and I didn't want to disappoint, but at the same time I felt like a moron just sitting at the table while everyone else dance.
Sometimes I hate myself because I'm not carefree social butterflies like everyone is. Something simple to them like talking on the phone is worrying for me, more so when I have to make important calls. To them, writing while someone is over their shoulder, reading what they write is annoying but that's it. If that was me I'll be paranoid, wondering what's going through their mind...if they are catching all the spelling and grammar mistake I make. I especially hated being picked or being volunteer to be the group note taker in school.
Stage fright, public speaking, fear of being in situations that bring out my fear, fear of judgement, shyness, fear of drastic change, fear of new places, fear of people, and fear of never living a happy life...
There's a lot of issues I have and the best way I deal with them is to not deal with them at all. I ignore them until they go away or avoid dealing with it. I don't want to talk about them in detail because everyone has their own problems and they're not in my situation, not me and so they wouldn't understand.
What I do want people to understand is that when it comes to being social and outgoing like them, that I can't help it when I'm not. Sometimes I just wish that I was some random hermit living in a beautiful tropic place, without any worries of interacting with people I don't know, without worries of society and without the worries of living a life in this world.
I should go to bed now. I feel better now like I release a storm cloud of unnecessary stress and worries. I still have a slight fear like something will go wrong, or more importantly I'll be judged for something stupid I say or do.
 DamnBlackHeart · Tue May 10, 2011 @ 06:26am · 0 Comments |
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