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I don't want to give myself any misconceptions. The fact that I'm becoming aware of the idea that I may be moving on from Nettie is very difficult (and a bit scary) for me to grasp. I believe my personal revelation from yesterday has sincerely helped me to move on from clinging to the past.

I read her journal yesterday. I'll admit it. I read her journal every now and then, just to make sure she's doing okay. It makes me happy to hear that she's doing so well. I'll admit that it still hurts my feelings when she'll do subtle things to remind me that she still harbors resentment towards me, but if she's moving on and she's happy with how things are now, then that's alright. I don't like being the bad guy, but I'm trying to accept the fact that it's something I cannot change. I will always be the bad guy to her, I believe, and I don't know if there's ever going to be any going back.

Yes, I wanted to be friends again. I don't believe I wanted it because it was her, though. I wanted a best friend, someone nearby that I could easily access, who we could be there for each other. Jesse is fantastic, as I've previously mentioned, but she's not right next door. It makes it a little difficult, but I still wanna totally hang out with her every day.

Now I think, however, that being friends wouldn't be such a good idea. If I truly want to become independent (or at least more self-sufficient) then I need to be able to let go of what I've idolized. I put her on a pedestal for so long that that's all she'll ever be to me; an idol, something to be polished and cared for. I believe that was a flaw in our relationship, though when we first met I believe it was what we both needed at the time. Perhaps we've simply outgrown each other.

Be that as it may, I still want to point out to myself that I feel lonely at times, and feel the urge to turn to these people that used to be my friends in hopes that I can gain their company again. Or, more simply, relive the "good times". Unfortunately, I have to realize that there are also bad times, and there can't be any good times anymore, since we've cut off that path.

If giving myself that analogy, then I have to think that I'm walking a path where there are various offshoots and footpaths along the way. They are now fenced off, and there is no way I can turn around and try to walk those paths with those people again. Their paths are their own now, and I have to respect that as much as I can (I still recognize that I am only human, and as such will still feel the need to wistfully think back on those times, hoping they may one day manifest again). I have my path as well, however. A path I will share with others, but I notice now that I want it to be my path. Not our path, not their path. I am not made to be nothing but a backdrop to someone else's life. I like the idea that I can be my own person, and while it's a daunting task (and particularly intimidating), it's something that I think I will be very happy with later in my life. Right now, I want to start carving my own path. Invite others to share it when they wish, but it is my path. And while I do love being a caregiver, a provider, I will be my own person.

I will just be very generous about it.