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So... I promised Nettie that I'd change my journal to public. I don't know if I can bring myself to do it though.

We had a conversation through PMs.

Her: Ok, so I think I have avoided you long enough. We are both adults and I think as adults it is better to talk than just avoid one another.
I don't know exactly what to say. I can't deny that I have hurt you or made you question who I am or my intentions.
I am not asking for anything from you except for you to hear me out and say anything you want to say to me.
I have changed. I have been hurt by you, just as I have hurt you. Things have happened that we can't go back and change. Dark chapters in which I would like to forget, but have happened and can't be changed.
I called you, but the way I went about it was completely wrong.
I cannot give an excuse for my stupid idotic actions.
I do hope for you to be happy. I want you and Hawksley to be happy. I think you guys will do very well together too...
Swallowing my feelings is just something that is hard, I've done it for so long and I just couldn't anymore...
I just want you to know...I don't hate you, I miss you and I think the only way I can move on is to know that you are willing to forgive me. I am not asking that we be friends again. I just want to know that you can just remember that I'm not just a bad person.
I am learning that of you and I'm trying to move on and learn that forgiveness comes first from the heart and not from the mind.
Me: The problem I have is trust, Nettie. I don't deny that everything in this message came from your heart. But I don't trust you enough to let you back in my life. I can't be sure that everything won't be just the way it was; you never telling me when I'm wrong, you being afraid of me, me getting so frustrated with trying to be patient that we end up fighting.
I don't know what to say or think, honestly. But I'm here, and I'm listening.
Her: And I'm not going to force myself into your life. That was not the point of this message. I think you can do very well without me. If you cannot trust, I cannot force you. I despise conflict and control.
I just need to know that you forgive me.
I need to move on and let my heart out of locked box that I have hidden away.
You're talking to someone else with major trust issues so I know what you're saying.
Me: Yeah, but that's the problem: I don't know if I forgive you.
Her: Alright.
Then I have a definite answer from you.
I can move on.
I don't have any more questions or anything else to say.
You don't have to forgive. I know that.
I forgive you. For everything you've done. It is difficult, but I'm willing to let go of my anger. That is only the right thing to do. I won't forget it, but I can forgive.
If I don't forgive I'm only hurting myself. I can never forget it because the scars that you have left on my heart are so deep, but they tell a story. They remind me of what I've been through and to be strong and continue on.
It is a relief not to have to wonder. I hope you and Hawksley share many happy moments and take care of each other.
Ok...yeah...take care Ah-chan.
Me: Same to you, Nettie. I might be able to let go of all this and move on someday in the future, but I don't feel like that time is right now. I'm sorry this happened, but maybe we'll be able to sit and talk a year or two down the road.
I really hope college is going well for you. Good luck, dork.
Her: Maybe. It happened and it can't be changed.
Ganbatte kudasai with all you do.

Remind me why I've tried so hard with her. Please.

She came to me, yeah. AFTER she yelled at me on the phone. And she sounded sincere and apologetic until I told her I don't know if I can forgive her. And then what happens? I don't know about you, but the way I interpreted it is that she just disregards me. Absolves herself because she's the bigger person and she's going to be the one to forgive.

Look, I don't want your forgiveness. I haven't done anything worth forgiving. You can sit there and say that things happened for a reason and that this is the way it's got to be, but honestly, this is your fault.

You're the one that created the problem. I treated you the same way for six years. And I assumed that it was all okay, that we were being friends the way we knew how. I assumed that because you never told me otherwise. You had a problem with me, and you didn't tell me about it. You let it escalate and build up to the point where I lost my temper and yelled, because I felt like you had no way to feel the way you did. I didn't know you were angry. I didn't know you were upset. Yeah, I was controlling. I tried to protect you. I tried to take care of you so you wouldn't have to struggle so much. And you got to a point where you didn't like it, and then you let the wound start to fester.

Take a good look at yourself. Because you saying you're going to forgiveme makes me rather indignant.

This is about 30% me. 30% my temper, 30% my inability to understand where you were coming from. I won't deny that. But this is 70% you not talking to me, telling me there was a problem, telling me that you were unhappy. 70% you trying to distance yourself from me and never telling me why.

This is you. This is you insisting that I'm the one that didn't want to be friends, when you're the one that pushed me away. This is you saying that you'll be the bigger person, when you don't even seem to recognize what you did to me.

This is me having a temper and not understanding when you bring something up out of the blue. This is me not wanting to let you in close again because I don't know who you are. This is me shutting you out because I'm too afraid of you anymore. This is me wanting to move on, to forget about it, and not figuring out how because it doesn't feel like it's fixed between us. This is me feeling like I don't have closure.

This is you not seeming to want to do anything about it.


I don't know what to do about this. It's really starting to drive me crazy that I go over everything that happened again and again, every time I think about her. *sigh* I've got more important things to worry about than that, I think.