|
Complex---Officially a Freakshow |
|
|
|
|
|
|
So fill your thirst and drink a curse to the death of Death instead.....
Don't ask, I'm being weird XD
No, really. In addition to writing this, I'm listening to a song about convincing a hooker to kill herself, reading about the real Hannibal Lecter (a charming old man who'd gone by the name of Albert Fish, the Fisherman), and trying.....to do......what? XD
So they say you're a troubled boy
Just because you like to destroy
All the things that bring the idiots joy
Well, what's wrong with a little destruction?
Franz Ferdinand's 'The Fallen', ladies and gentlemen.
Grr. I've been thinking a lot recently.....prolly not about stuff I should. I was thinking about friends, and relationships, old ones, new ones....and responsibilities....all that sort of stuff that usually haunts some corner of my mind but rarely comes to a real, coherent thought.
I came up with some basic things that I know to be true, at least right now.
-I miss the easy friendship I used to have with Cori. I can keep pretending, or I can just admit it- Cori and I aren't oMg LyK BFF!!!!!1one! anymore. Are we even friends? I can't answer that. You have to have basic human contact to be friends. I don't hate her, and I don't think (and of course, don't want her to) hate me. I can't tell you if I like her or not, because we don't really know each other anymore. *sigh* There, one of the things that's been weighing on my mind really badly recently.
-I am still friends, even good ones, with Megan. But (and don't deny this, Meggy) she doesn't really trust me, I guess is the best way to put it.....we aren't uber-tight either.
-I accept responsibility, at least some, for both of these. Megan would still be one of my two very best friends, if I didn't alienate her by spending increasing time with Brandon and Taylor. Same for Cori, though we were already kind of starting to drift apart then.
-I realised that many other really good friends have been alienated, too. Azzy is the one who immediately comes to mind, but (believe it or not) Max, Josh, Abby, Angel....they all come up too.
-Much as I'd hate to admit it, that one thing that seems to kill so many friendships has happened---New Boyfriend before Old Friends. Brandon, though I don't really think he knows it, has helped come in between nearly all my friends, with the exception of two new(er) ones that also helped- Taylor and Jake. Do I like that? Hell no. But it's true.
-I do believe it's possible to try and re-establish something of broken-up friendships. But you know what? I don't know if Cori wants to try anymore, and Megan prolly does, but she very easily gets annoyed and frustrated with me.
-Despite this, I'm not breaking up with Brandon. I realise that it would help matters a HUGE deal, but I can't. Unfortunately, not only am I very far from perfect, my 'intelligence' is almost entirely in creativity and the ability to rote memorise.....acknowledge my greatness in History. There is no way to go wrong in History if you can memorise. Minus that, you see a lot of self-indulgence and stupidity.
But (acknowledge another character flaw), I am out for my own happiness first and formost. Brandon makes me incredibly happy. You can't burn me for that unless you're a saint, because you all are too. That's not being mean, and I don't mean it that way even kind of. People are out for their own happiness, which is GREAT! People are brought into life to enjoy it, and that's generally done by taking your own pleasures first. YES, I love helping my friends feel good about themselves, and I love making others happy. Will I forgo all my own happiness for theirs? No, because then I'm not happy, and if you feel bitter about making others feel good, then you won't be making them feel good for very long.
Now, time to say something that's scary (for me at least): If I'm wrong about this, and we are NOT on Earth to enjoy sensual pleasures, then I'm doomed to Hell. Maybe not too far in, true, but not only will I have spent a lifetime on the wrong philosophy, knowing me, I'd prolly pass it on to others. But I don't think I'm wrong. And if, yes, I was in the wrong completely....well, I'll spend Eternity being whipped by Satan---> or an underling. And I'll probably be wishing for a time when, even though they were all wrong, I had all my answers.
Complex-n. 3: (psychoanalysis) a combination of emotions and impulses that have been rejected from awareness but still influence a person's behavior.
So, psychologically speaking, a complex is a deeply-buried fear or other such thing. A subconscious one. I found out there's shitloads of complexes- take, for example, the Electra complex- that would be the incestuous desire of a girl for her father. Or the twin, the Oedipus complex- a boy for his mother. There's a castration complex, which has two different meanings. One's literal- that you're afraid of harm being done to your genitalia. Speaking in this manner, every guy's got a Castration complex XDDDD The other meaning is, basically, a feeling of loss or weakness with authority asserts itself over you.
So what do you call a lack of responsibility, a tendency to return to that which ruins you, and a noted failure to do better?
Let's call it the Shelby complex
 Tsukichi · Thu Feb 23, 2006 @ 12:46am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
