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22:20, 3/28/10.

Before I go off on my topic of the evening, I'd like to point out why I do my own time stamp when there's one on the entry.

It allows me to know how long it takes me to organize my thoughts, and also to promote use of the 24-hour clock since it makes more sense than using AM and PM in most cases.
And yes, the title of this is a Portal reference.
---

Like most other teenage girls, I have feelings for an idiot.
No, scratch that, I'm an idiot who has feelings for a guy.
And every day I lose hope of anything ever happening and gain confidence that he likes me.
Conundrum? Yes. This happens because every other day, I see him. And every other day, he talks to me constantly when we're in each other's presence. Days that I do not see him other than passing him in the hall, he does not talk to me.
And unfortunately when I do see him in the hall, I am usually with my friends and it makes me feel like I have to show off or something.
Stupid teenager brain. I hate doing that. I hate when I become someone I'm not simply because I'm around people.
I hate myself because I don't see the line between acceptable and not, or the clarity (and lack thereof) of my sarcasm.

Looking back at everything I've done with and around him, it's almost no wonder I like him. I somehow gravitated toward him last year, and we became friends.
Yet, it's also a wonder that I do like him. In the early days of us being friends, he'd throw things (coins, Starbursts, etc) at me. He tried to push me off a hill, into a fence, throw me over said fence (except not really, he just picked me up...), and bruised me with glowsticks.
To everyone else, it seemed like I was insane to be friends with him. Especially since he isn't exactly a liked person in the band simply because he's different.
I think the reason I can say I like him is because we're so similar. Slightly off-kilt sense of humor, more sarcasm than should be allowed per person, a love of music, and distaste for the same teachers and subjects. We both play videogames, and think up the weirdest things.
However, he fences (the sport, for anyone who's confused; he does not build fences lmao). I play DnD. His friends are the 'popular' ones, somehow. Mine are the ones commonly ostracized by society, but they're the better people in comparison.
The other day in our hated class, we had an assignment to tell another group about the stuff we came up with on a worksheet. Whenever one of us would talk, we would miss a key point. However, when both of us contributed, it worked great. It's almost as if between the two of us, there's a functional person.
No, alone we're not functional people.
I am a dreamer who's too accustomed to saying vague things to get people to question it to make any sense. I have very little social interaction so I muddle up what I try to say, and find humor too often in things that are said.
He is a bipolar candy-addict who's able to speak his mind about anything, but says things on a completely different level of thought than most other people are on. Most people avoid him in school because he appears creepy and weird.

To be honest, he's not creepy/weird at all to me. Compared to several of my DnD friends, he is the most normal guy I'm friends with. (One guy kept saying he was going to rip out my wings and/or arms by the sockets, with the sockets, last week and roast them if rations got low...which is something that Ben would say but it was really freaky coming from Clyde lol.)

I mean, I know I'll probably ask him (Ben, not Clyde lmao) out eventually, but...
I have no idea how awkward it would be. Although things are only as awkward as you make them, he can make things pretty damn awkward if he wants to.

On another note of awkward, the other weekend we were hanging out waiting for a jazz band thing along with someone we both know. This girl knows I like him, she's the one who told him last year, and is probably the only one who can tell if he does like me too.
So he and I were arguing over something stupid because I didn't word what I meant to say properly, and she pipes up: "You know, you guys argue like an old married couple."
Needless to say, we shut up for a few minutes. I hope to god that I didn't blush, but I'm not sure. And I would have no idea if he did, cause I was sure as hell not looking at him after that until it became less awkward, lol.
I feel like if he didn't like me too, he would have just blown it off or gotten mad at her. Or maybe he was awkward because he knows I like him and doesn't like me?
I have all this to ponder over the next week; the next time I see him is Monday the 5th. Luckily, I have plenty to keep me from going nuts until then...homework, teeth getting pulled/cut out, etc.

I hate how society makes things like the above so difficult. This shouldn't be so hard, yet there is so much stigma and importance placed on dating that it's nearly impossible for socially awkward/shy kids like me and him to do anything about it.

22:43, 3/28/10.