One day I was sitting down on the couch and I told my brother that I liked bestiality. "You know.. snake rape?" Is what I said at a total random time. My brother's face was priceless. He was all, "WHAT THE ********!" with big eyes. He was really not expecting that, and he told me he shouldn't be hearing this kind of stuff from his sister.
I mean, so what? I have a fetish for snake rape. Big deal. It's kinky like handcuffs.
I'm pretty open about stuff, but I'm not going to go around telling my mom. She'll be upset to see her daughter growing up.
Anyway.
Today I was hanging out with Itachi and we started to talk to this girl. He told her that he was doing certain things in order for me to trust him since I don't trust people that easily. Later on the two of them started having an argument, and then it got around to him trying to help her with her problems. Saying that you shouldn't be bitchy even when you want to push people away. That s**t happens and it makes you stronger. That you shouldn't push people away. Because when you're down, they are there for you. Pushing people away will only harm yourself.
It didn't kick in until a while later when I was working on my guild. I mean, it's not like I never knew that before. ( He was speaking to her, but it got to me. ) I've been pretty antisocial. I mean, I have had friends before, but.. I wouldn't consider them my actual friends. ( In real life. ) I've only had two real friends in my life, so I'm pretty much a loner when it comes to offline.
After the s**t that I went through, I found it hard to trust people.The things that I've heard. The things that I've seen.. It's a long story. I should be able to trust people, but I don't want to. I don't want to get hurt and walked all over. I don't want to be used. I figured that I should just act all bitchy. It should work. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who is bitchy to everyone. I wouldn't be able to get close to anyone. I wouldn't feel the pain of them leaving me in the end. You could say that I'll feel the pain of not having anyone, and that is true. But I have people here and I'm still lonely.
Yes, it is a learning process.. but I've been through it. I have become stronger, yet I'm not strong enough. My heart is already aching.. so how could pushing people away hurt any more?
Knowing all of this.. I feel so pathetic. Maybe I am defensive. I'm afraid that if I let people walk all over me. If I keep letting people in as people slip out.. I feel like I won't be able to handle it anymore. Alex died.. and if I let that happen, it would all just pile up and I might hurt myself to the point of never returning.
And friends.. Friends are suppose to be there for you when you need it, but a lot of them don't want to be around someone who is down. Being with someone down may also get you depressed. Being depressed all the time, they'll just be annoyed. And when people actually do help me, their advice rarely helps. I know most of what they say. There have been a few that actually helped me.. but it's still not enough. It's like what am I, a lost cause?
I'm so stupid.
Dx
Oh. I just wanted to post a few of these..
I would like someone to be here for me, but.. I don't want to annoy them with my problems, so I just write my s**t in my Journal. o_O
And goddammit! Why am I looking up SasuNaru pictures again!
Uh. Yeah.. I stayed up all night again. I was chatting to my friends, but then I wanted to work on my guild since I haven't done that lately. I'm gonna be really tired later, but I don't care yet. Wait until I have to do the dishes.
Oh, and I keep hurting myself on accident. I had to cut my nails. It was being a pain in the booteh.
And no, I'm not depressed. I'm a little down. Content. Happy. Tired. Hungry, and a few other things. It's just one of those days, I guess.
I'm going to switch from Sasuke to Naruto every now and then. I would just have a Naruto account, but I don't want to keep switching items back and forth every time I want to use them for Sasuke. It would help if I had more gold in order to just buy the same items, but I don't.
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