I'm trying to be happy but I'm not ******** happy. That just depresses me and makes me angry. Sometimes I don't know whether to hate myself or other people because I'm like this. I just wish I can keep on being happy but I can't. Not when I feel this way or think this way. I want to get out and have fun...do things that I love to do but I can't because I'm always confined to where I am. Things always get in the way for me when I plan something. And even when I get out and have fun, that happiness never last that long. And when it's gone, I forget that feeling of peace and accomplishment.
Lately I've been emotional, feeling depressed and the things that people do, no matter how little or stupid or innocent their action is, it affects me greatly. Like this certain person when they instant message me, it's only them that gets me feeling all jumpy and trying to avoid talking to them because every little thing they do annoys the hell out of me and I know it's not intentional. While talking to another friend gets me frustrated with them because they're too wrapped up in their problem to notice that another friend just needs them to just LISTEN because they need their help. Especially when that friend has done all they can to help that friend with their problem, the decent thing the other can do is return the favor. All the while the people I want to talk to are busy and it's not right for me to just talk to them, dumping my emotional problem onto them when they finally got a break.
Ugh, I'm not alright. I'm miserable and I can see why people say, misery loves company. And as depressed as I am, I'm not going to dragged anyone into my problem. Sure, its not right to bottle things up inside and not ask for help but I already did. No one gives a ********. That's one of the reasons why I feel neglected by my friends. I feel like they don't care, that they ignore it when I tell them I'm depressed or that I feel like crying/have tears in my eyes. I JUST told a friend that and you know what they do. Ignore it and tell me something else about them that I already know.
Maybe I'm feeling selfish but it doesn't hurt to just ask ONCE IN A WHILE how the other person is doing. Why must I be the one to always ask that question all the time and not get it in return? I ask because I care. I want to know what's going on in their life, to see if they're okay. I don't do it because I have to, I just do and most of the time it's a way that I show the other person I care.
 DamnBlackHeart · Sun Feb 14, 2010 @ 02:22pm · 0 Comments |
