I know no one reads these journals, which might be why I'm posting here instead of on DA, I just want to get away from places where my sister can read and let everything out.
I don't know. I don't know who i am or who i want to be, i don't want to feel so alone but i do, i feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into depression and no one notices or they just don't care. I want to be free of this aching feeling all over. I want to be happy again, I want to be able to go to school and not have to pretend. I want my friends to notice that I'm down, but i also don't want them too at the same time. I want to person i like to notice me as someone more than the girl who sits in front of her in Spanish. (yes I'm Bi) I don't want to have to hide the fact that i'm bi from my friends. I want to know that my friends would accept me no matter who i am, but i know they won't because I've lied to them about myself for years. Sure the friends i made this year probably would accept me, but i don't want to loose the others. I don't want to loose my best friend, but i don't know if he would like me if he knew who i was. Why can't my life be simple like other peoples lives? Why couldn't i have been born a boy? Why can't i be normal? Why can't i come clean to my friends about who i am? What if i never do, what if i continue living this lie of a life. I always thought those songs that said their lives were lies were just over dramatic guys singing, but my life is a mess of lies all pieced together to create the person i am at school. My life is falling apart. I try to fake it, but my best friend is worrying me so much that i don't sleep. He's started cutting himself, and I'm so worried about him it hurts. Whats another ounce of pain to my life anyways? I try to pretend i don't have a crush on the girl i do. I try to pretend i don't care what he does to his arms. i try to pretend the words i hear them say behind my back don't hurt. I try to pretend I'm a strong girl. I try to pretend i don't cry myself to sleep every night, but all those things are true, and there is no one i can talk to without worrying them. Help?
 Devlyn Maycry · Tue Jan 12, 2010 @ 04:32am · 0 Comments |
