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confused
*sigh* well iono..i really dont care who sees this. im just gonna go on about how my relationship wid pin is confusing me.
for a while hes had like identity problems and sure thats normal at his age...but i mean...i feel like im causing most of his problems...yaya its a typical thing where the girl feels its always her fault but no i dont think its always my fault. his feelings have been a bit odd lately..and...iono..ive always had a fear of being alone and being rejected and recently ive been trying so hard to keep him...sounds corney but...keep him lovin me. in the beginning he would always take my hand and always look to me with loving eyes and be soooo in love that he just couldnt stop looking at me or thinking about me and like he'd literally give up everything for me. and recently i feel like im just in the way. now he no longer looks at me with loving eyes..only if i do my hair or smell the way he likes...he no longer takes my hand...im the one whose grabbing for his hand and holding on. today he walked off away from me as if i was unimportant or something...i understand hes tired..but does it have to affect me as well? i mean...seriously...y do i need to feel hurt when its not my fault but my stupid female psychy makes me think its my fault. also for the past while hes adapted a habit of swearing and violence... im slowly seeing it being placed on me. sure its playful but when its said every single time im with him (which isnt often) its ..u know it gets nailed into u. its either ******** u or your a whore..and its soo constant its hurting..sure i probably deserve it cuz in the past i was the one who always called him names but thats how i was then. i try not to say mean things..i try act the way hed want me to act...but..the kind of girl he seems to want now is so hard to pretend...
im not a lovey dovey person. im not gonna like throw myself on u and be needy. thats just not me. i dont have very nice clothes so i cant dress like the stylin sexy piece off a** he likes. i dont have the breast size or the a** size...everyone has their flaws. sure i act stupid sometimes. but it isnt on purpose. i usually am just clueless or confused so i do look stupid. but if i was stupid would i be in university class levels and getting high grades? i highly doubt that.
i know when im happy im VERY happy which means im also hyper..but..thats how he met me. i was the girl that was insane..different..her own person..defining herself..dressing the way she wants to dress not carring what others think of her..slowly ive been changing...he finds the talkative hyper happy maru annoying..so..when im happy...am i only expected to smile and hold in that energy to release on...friends? but hes a higher level of friend..why does he find most of my personal characteristics as annoying? if im soo annoying to him..why is he even with me? is he posponing it? is he just waiting for the right time?
my style of dress even changed...i now care what ppl think when i dress..im just like everyone else...stuck in the box, surrounded and greatly influenced by media and the norm. who am i now? what has maru become? who is she? WHERE is she? is she still me? if not...what have i become? who the hell am i? am i the maru who i used to be? have i evolved into an older maru..or have i become the maru pin wants? the one pin desires?
last night he told me that its even better if i dont talk..that hurt..i know its a joke..but recently i have been feeling like me and him r better off if i just dont talk cuz id just say something stupid anyway...
on the way home we walked silently..through the snow covered field..we walked through the unstepped snow creating our own paths right next to eachother. but other footsteps were left on the snow which interfered in our linked paths. we had to change our directions. we had to go further apart and back together and over and over again sometimes we had to fall into someone elses path but sooner or later, no matter how far we had to go to avoid the other footprints, we always found our way back to eachother. that's how i see our relationship. there will always be an obstacle, there always has been, and we've always found our way around. no matter how far apart we grew, we always found our way back to one another. that's the kind of love me and pin have.
we then drew a heart in the unstepped on snow and put M + V inside. continuing on, he didnt even stop to kiss me goodbye in the little wood we go through. its been our habit for a yr..but he seemed to forget today..we kicked snow bakc and forth to eachother, getting covered lol he ended up kicking me as well lol. i think i heard a sorry..but it probably was so faint it could barely be heard. my dad was in the driveway so he left me on the corner. he turned around and left. i stopped in the middle of the street to look back, expecting the usual "i love u, good bye" but...he didnt even hesitate to stop..just...walked...
he even told me while we were walkign that hes been having trouble sleeping and just stayed awake...for sure hes been thinking about something..but what? whats been troubling him? i wish i could just look into his mind and see what he thinks. but i cant..
he also went to confession today and the priest told him that highskool relationships dont usually last anyway and that he should only be hugging me anyway cuz i just mean trouble...is he seriously taking what the priest said to heart? will he no longer show the usual affection? the holding..the kissing..the gentle words?....i dont want it to fade...i dont want it to ever stop...
i dont care what obstacles get in our way. i just want to spend forever with him...screw other people..screw what they think and say. i dont care if my bf isnt the hottest thing on earth..and i dont care if hes brown...i dont care if hes short. the outside doesnt matter anyway...
i was always a shallow person who looked at looks first trying to dig out all the good on the inside...but screw looks...looks wont be there for u when u age...looks cant comfort u when you're down...but the looks from the inside...the personality..the love and care they feel for u will always be there..and thats exactly how pin is. he made me realise u dont need to be dating the hottest, tallest, smartest guy to be happy...u need the most loving guy to be happy. and hell..im happier then ever..im just a confused child whos being stupid by writing this because things will be back to normal by next week for sure. but hey...im 'stupid' remember?
~ Maru...or as Pin would say "the ******** whore"....
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