I don't know if this has come up in past journal entries or not, but since it was so gradual I probably never even really thought about it, not until the pain started to regularly flare down past my knee.
My family is notorious for having weak backs. Both sides, not just my mom or dad. My brother ended up getting two herniated disks at seventeen, so it was only inevitable that I grew into my back problems too.
I don't know what caused it. As I said before, it was just so gradual. My physical therapist says that this is like the chicken and the egg; was it my bad posture that caused the problem, or the problem that caused the bad posture? Both were contributing causes, I guess. Maybe it was because of color guard; spinning with strong arms but a weak core on someone with a family history of weak backs probably did not help very much.
I got the x-rays before there was any neurological damage. My doctor said I could go to PT, but I couldn't get in until the end of January. From the 27th to the 25th or so, a lot of damage was done.
I did nothing out of the ordinary; we did end up getting my backpack lighter, through the connections I have with the school, so that probably only helped, but I was on the path for destruction anyway.
My pain level has only been getting worse, despite that I'm going to PT. I can't get to sleep unless I sit with a TENS unit (machine sending electric shocks into my back, which isn't nearly as painful as it sounds and is actually quite soothing) attached to me for some hours before I go to bed, and half a vikoden in my system (which, by the way, is kind of illegal, because the vikoden is my mom's, not mine).
So I'm going to be going to the doctor again soon, and then I'm going to be sent to a neurologist so I can get an MRI.
Yeah, there's nerve damage affecting my right leg.
I used to never cry from pain; it was purely out of emotion and self-pity. But now my self-esteem is at a stable level, and I'm crying instead out of pain. It HURTS! I've never felt agony before, and I've never known anything about what Hell is like, but I'm experiencing it now. Agony sucks!
I've never felt so weak before. I've always been strong, or at least able to get along by myself. I was in the best shape of my life this past fall. I was at my ultimate high. But I think everyone knows the rules of gravity.
What goes up must eventually come down.
So currently I'm afraid for my life. I'm afraid for my well-being. I'm afraid for my sanity. I've never been this afraid in my entire life. Not my first competition. Not when I saw someone outside the window late at night. Not when I spoke to the dead.
None of that ended up being able to affect my physical well-being. I don't know what the exact problem is, and I won't know until I get an MRI.
I've never felt so betrayed.
It's one thing when your significant other totally screws you over. It's one thing when your friends leave you. It's one thing when your family disowns you, or your church/place of worship/belief turns you away.
But at least you still have your body.
I know it's not exactly my body's fault that my back is weak; it's in my genes, and I can't really blame anyone for my genes except my parents, but they can't consciously control what I do or don't get.
Sometimes my pain level is so much that I just pray for death or sleep, whichever comes first, to take me away. I haven't gotten a full, good night's sleep in weeks. I've always been waking up at around 3:00 AM because the vikoden/ibuprofen/TENS unit effects wore off. I'm glad that my brother isn't across the hallway from me anymore because I'd be keeping him up with my cries of agony.
All in all, no matter how much pain and torture I go through, I know that death definitely isn't the answer. I'm being put through this as judgement, or test, or SOMETHING. I wouldn't be given anything if I couldn't handle it; that's my philosophy. So if I end up getting through this, then I guess I really am as invincible as I've always claimed.
And besides, I can't die yet; I've still got at least three books and a bunch of songs I have to write.
I guess that's it. So with that ending that could have been written much better, this is the agonized Horse lady, signing out.
Katie Sea Community Member 
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