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Haven't posted here in so long. Haven't really felt the motivation to, but I really need to sort some feelings out right now.

I've been going through a lot relationship wise. I posted a thread about it in the lifestyle board, and I don't really feel like re-posting it all here (this is mostly to sort out my feelings anyway), but I finally confronted her today about a lot of things I've kept to myself. I've told her about a lot of things relating to this before but I finally just let go and told her a lot of things I never have. How did things go? That's what I'm hoping to find out.

A lot of it's a blur already, but I remember I told her that I've been feeling confused about our relationship, that I used to know this is what I wanted and I wasn't sure anymore. I told her about the cycle I've been going through and how things just seem to get worse and worse. Then blurs. I remember telling her I was worried we couldn't work together. She asked what I was saying (it sounded like she was worried I was going to break up with her), and I said that I was worried I didn't make her happy or that she couldn't make me happy. She told me I didn't have to worry about making her happy because just me being around makes her happy, and she also said that she was worried that she didn't know how to make me happy and that maybe even I don't know how. More blurs, but I remember telling her that it wasn't her fault, that she couldn't be expected to make me happy if even I didn't know how, then I apologized, saying it sounded harsher than I meant, and she said it wasn't harsh. I said that being around her really did make me happy, and she said 'not happy enough'. Then I told her that it wasn't that being around her didn't make me happy, it was that she did things that hurt me. She asked what and I told her like during finals week when it seemed like she would rather go home than be with me and that I knew she probably hadn't meant it that way, it was just stupid little things like that that bother me and that that was one of the reasons I didn't talk to her about it, because I knew it was stupid and I just need to get over it but I don't know how. She said that that wasn't the way she had meant it, just that she needs time to herself because that's how she sorts things out and that it has nothing to do with me. I told her that it still hurts.
Then even more blurs. I remember I told her I posted a thread on Gaia, that I've posted many. I told her that I've gotten lots of mixed messages sometimes telling me I'm too obsessive or whatever and others that say she isn't appreciative enough. She said that she really was appreciative. I remember telling her that Nichi posted, and my girlfriend asked if it was anything hurtful, I said kind of, and that she said we were both too immature to really be in a relationship. I told her that a lot of people had said we didn't seem to communicate well and that we both needed to work on better self-esteem. Then a lot of silence. I asked what she thought and she said we really are bad at communicating. I asked her if it was because I don't usually, then I trailed off and she finished 'tell me stuff?' She said that she needs time to herself to sort things out and that she thought I saw that as strong and tried to do it myself, but that it tears me up inside. Silence for a moment then she apologized and said it was a stupid idea. I told her it wasn't and that she was more right than she knew, and she replied that she thought that whenever I got upset about anything I needed to talk to someone about it, like a friend or people online, or even just a stuffed animal. She went on about people I could talk to, saying that her friend Becca was good at helping, and that so was her friend Javen but it's unlikely that I would talk to him about things and she said that she wasn't sure if my friends, but I interrupted her, telling her I didn't want to talk to other people about problems I felt about our relationship, but I felt like I couldn't talk to her about it. She said that that wasn't it, but it did get tedious because it happens so often. I said but it's the same problems over and over again and brought up the cycle again, saying that things just get worse and worse. Then just more blurs. I remember somewhere she said that she felt I needed to be protected, but that I was too caught up in fantasies of protecting her to let her protect me, and that I was the one who needed to be protected right now, not her. I told her that I wanted her to protect me and then just paused. My brain wasn't working right (it still isn't) and I couldn't come up with an end to the sentence. After a while, she nervously asked 'but?' and I told her I didn't know, that I was too confused, and she apologized a lot and I kept telling her it was okay and that I was already confused before I called her. I remember her telling me she was willing to put up with the sadness everyday (thought she said she didn't really mean 'put up with' because that made it sound like I was doing something terrible) if it meant I wouldn't be sad anymore because she can't take it when I'm sad. Everything else is just a blur. I only remember telling her I wanted to be protected, her saying she was really sorry but she was supposed to be off the phone 30 minutes ago and we spent a long time saying goodbye.

I know that rambles, but my brain still isn't working like it's supposed to and I still feel so confused. I feel like there's a lot more I need to talk to her about but I'm worried about bringing it up tomorrow because I know I'm overly emotional and I don't want to be annoying, depressing, or needy. But I also feel better, but that's just because I feel more optimistic about how things will turn out now, and I feel like that optimism is uncalled for because I still have the same fears and I don't think anything will change for her like they have for me.
I just don't know, I'm still so confused.