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September 13, 2008 - Saturday
My confessions...
Category: Life
Time- 11:58PM
My confessions, my fears, my hopes, and my dreams, these are the things I wish I could tell the world but it seems as if its not ready to know. The things I think about and the things that I try to hold close to me are farther with each thought. I try to act as if I do not care, like my reality is my dream and vise versa, but the truth is I just don't want to know. I'd rather be kept in the dark then hear about how much he is better without me, and that he thinks of her instead of me. I'd rather be a leaf in the wind knowing not where I am going or where I will stay.
It would be nice if he would even try to talk to me as if nothing happened, as if those hateful words never came out of his mouth. With every step I take to get over him, It seems as if I am just lying to myself just to get through the day without killing myself. I know I will never get you back, and everyone else that I seem to like I know I can not have them either. The one's I have known to care for me have found another, and yet I am alone again, searching for another one to help me get through. He may not be near but I wish I could forever feel him in my dreams, I wish not to forget, I wish not to stay in this dream world but I wish to stay in mine.
The longer the days, the longer I stay in my bed in the morning and think of the reasons why I should get up? Most of the time I think of someone to get up for, but it seems that I am running out of excuses to open my eyes. I try to hold on to objects to remember how things used to be, I take each breath in and remember his heartbeat against mine as if in a rythmic melody. I remember the hard things we had to endure, and all the fights we used to get into, I remember the best part, you kissing me to make everything better and it usually worked. I was so foolish as to not treat you as my most valuable object, in which case you were. I remember the exchanged "I love you's" and the "I will never leave you's" as if it were just yesterday, and it hurts to remember in reality I will never hear them again from you, my dearest.
Even as I sit here I lie to myself, even as I breathe I will always breathe for you, even if you don't want me too. I know I may be foolish, I know I am stubborn, but that was one of the things you told me you loved about me. I think about all our differences and I think about all our things in common but I have not yet found the reason why I can't get over you. Maybe it was your smile, your charm, your crazy-ways of walking, maybe it was your sweet embrace I came to love, or maybe it was just your presence, but I will never forget, because I would be dead if it only wasn't for you. My knight in shining armor, my requiem, my nemphetamine, my light whom paved my ways, never shall I forget.
With all of my hopeless antics, and my hopeless pleas, I am bound to you, as a sap to its tree. If only you would care for me like you used to, if only everything were as simple as my love for you. If only as you believed that I was still your beautiful girl, and if only I could hold you in these useless arms forever. Maybe if I died you would cry? Would you? Would you even care? Would you think it was your fault and break down? I guess the only way to find out is if I actually kill myself, but if I am strong enough to get up out of bed then I know I am too weak to kill myself. As long as I can sleep, as long as I can dream, as long as I can hope for a better tomorrow, I will stay here a little longer.
 Waipahe_Puuwai · Mon Jan 05, 2009 @ 12:39am · 0 Comments |
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